Just a number

You are so right! I'm in the same boat as you, only I have 1 child and the absent father refuses to keep a job. He doesn't pay support or keep medical insurance like he is supposed to do! The state, however, allowed him to put in for a review when he hasn't even paid in months! That's ridiculous. Now I have to take off work or I get in trouble for not being there! They don't enforce anything and when you finally get through to someone, they are rude about the whole thing. It's like we have ruined their day by asking them to do their job! Good luck to you! Maybe, one day soon, something will be done differently!

"They are as unreliable as the non custodial parent and just as inconsistent"

Amen~

I have been a number for years and have notice my "caseworker" is never in, never returns call and is always changing names. Court dates have come on gone and still there has been no support of any kind.

The promises of suspended license and jail time have all been broken. Granishment of Income taxes is a joke, garnish in April and receive partal payment in October.

I hope others have better luck.

to nathan.evans

yes, you chose that individual, but it is not as easy as you make it sound like it is. Sometimes you cannot tell that the other person will not be a responsible parent. When the parent hat is worn,some people just don't get it or don't want to get it and children are better off, a lot of times, without that person acting like a parent. They are not as mature as the children they are parenting.

I know what you are going through. I am experiencing the same process as well. My problem is that my ex-husband has nothing to do with my daughter at all. Nothing. No contact. My question is why won't the system let my current husband adopt my daughter since he has raised her and she is the only dad she knows anyway. 7 years later and no where with this situation. The system is severely broken and the people who handle it could care less.

Well said Meredith and for what it's worth this should have been a FRONT page article. In bold letters. I am number 610508. Yes, after 10 years of fighting this system, I am still owed money.

Who cares that I scrape every dime that I have for my kids to eat. Who cares that I have to scrape pennies from a jar just to get them a snack from school. And who is there to help me?? Noone. Forget about welfare. They just laugh at me. I am on a limited income as in one check a month. I can barely pay for the roof over my head, much less anything that the kids need. And gas, well I have to take the kids to doctors and school. Do you know what its like to tell your kids that you just don't even have 3.00 for them to go to a school function? If it was not for my extraordinary parents and some extra special brothers, I would probably be living in the streets. And do you think that the state would care... Yes, they would. They would come and take my kids from me and put them in a home and leave me on the street.

And what is the absent father doing, well, he can smoke his cigarettes, has food on the table, (thanks to the goverment). he is always wearing the best of clothes, where we are wearing the best thing that we can. He always has money for beer or whatever he wants to do. And not one time, has he even offered $20 for anything much less what he is COURT ORDERED to pay. And how do some people go to jail for being behind 4 or 5 hundred dollars and someone who is behind almost $20,000 never spend a day in jail.

Something is definitely wrong with the system. This needs to be on the front page of the Paper every day if you ask me. I know I am not the only one that is suffering. I see the same people in court every time I go. And for some reason, 99 percent of the absent parents walk out with smiles on their faces. It would be nice if the absent parent of my children would even show up for court, but he chooses to hide and with no address, well, it's just our tough luck. They don't look for him. He is not that hard to find. He has family all over Shelbyville and his wonderful wife has family here. But yet, they can't find him. Well, it's just sad.

Sorry to ramble and take away from your blog, but something needs to be done. I know that there are plenty of people who are in dire straights like we are. And I sympathize with anyone who has to go through it. My children will soon be 16 and 13. They are almost grown. He has missed out on so much of their lives and that's his loss. He has missed two wonderful children who have grown so much in this world.

So sad, but what else can we do?? We are at the mercy of the courts and the Tennessee Child Support Division. We can only hope and pray that the system will get better and start punishing them for what they deserve. If they are not going to work and support the children that they help bring into this world, then let them go and sit in the Bedford County jail. Sounds like a great place for them.

Sorry, I probably only have ten cents to my name today, but for what it's worth, you got it.

Believe me honda14 and everyone else, I have great disdain for these deadbeats that will not take responsibility for their children. They not only cause you problems, they cause me problems as well. In the current system, a father that wants nothing more than to be there and be an active parent is often treated like trash. Many times it seems that what the mother wants, the mother gets whether she is fit to be the custodial parent or not. Good fathers often times seem to be the exception and not the rule, and the system has been set up to lump us all into the same category. There is no worse feeling than walking into a courtroom and being worried that the judge is going to put you in jail because you speak your mind and fight for equal time with your child. If I could get my child every day of the week I wouldn't ask for a penny from her mother. In fact, I would gladly continue to mail her money. At least you have your children.

I agree with JuJu35. The father of my children has two other children with two other women, one in which he is married to. She also has a case against him which makes no sense. How can you be married and have a child support case? Another problem with Child Support Enforcement.

My kids were first but no matter if they were first or second or third, they still deserve to be taking care of.

Nathan, I understand your point about the deadbeats and why were we with them. Well, we made the choice to marry them. I would have never dreamed that I would have ever divorced. He worked a full time job, was home every night and was a father to the kids. Well, drugs took over his life which led to a divorce. So, I made the decision to marry him yes but I did not make the decision for him to turn to drugs. So, no, I did not choose for the divorce to happen and at one time he was a very good father and husband but the choices that he made has turned into the deadbeat dad that he is today. People make choices in their lives and he chose the wrong road. But my children should not be punished for the decisions that he has made. He still has responsibilty to my kids. Along with the other kids that he has chose to bear with the other mothers.

Yes, the best thing would be him to be fixed so that he cannot make another mistake and sit in Bedford County Jail for a while.

I've often wondered what "debtors' prison" accomplished other than taking the debtors off the streets and preventing them from getting into worse trouble.

(Somehow,I don't think the well-to-do "deadbeat" wound up there as often as the "merely" destitute,the impaired,etc.)

The people who'd want to do better don't need shaming.

The rest probably have no sense of shame to prod with such a prison record.

Yes,these families need money but we've bred generations now that think a government institution and its coffers can substitute for parents.

They not only won't,they can't.

Whether or not a parent can provide monies,they can support a child emotionally.

They can give them a sense of worth and connection.

All the money in the world won't matter if a child doesn't live with hope and self-respect.

If one parent is physically or psycholgically absent and the other is too careworn and overextended,love (as well as food,medical care,school supplies and simple pleasures) can be in short supply.

The kids can grow up looking to fill their hearts' voids in the wrong places or they can become adults who can't love or commit themselves.

No child is a "mistake."

No child should be a meal ticket,a weapon or a statistic.

No parent that wants to know,love and care for their young should be held back by law or another's misbehavior.

Too many children are caught up in abuse and neglect from the acts of human monsters.

Too many suffer from being dependent on adults who are too poor,too ignorant or too damaged to help themselves.

Too many have no hope but to "age out" and attempt to make a life for themselves that includes work,family and something other than struggle and emptiness.

Yes,SOMEone (relatives,neighbors,government...) ought to insure that everyone is healthy,educated and has someone who cares that he exists.

Whenever possible,the needs of a child should be met by their parents.

But,it should be recognized that the greatest needs won't be fulfilled by a check or gifts from a store.

They will come from the heart.

If that's all you can give a person,that's plenty.

If you refuse to provide that or try to interfere with that person's getting as much love from as many sources as possible,then that's as much a form of abuse as torturing or neglecting the body,denying them learning or blocking them from any other form of safety and care.

There are many ways children can be supported.

Quite a few involve money.

But,whether a child is given intangibles like love or concrete items like food and shelter,he needs the necessities to grow into a functional adult.

A child will know when an adult believes in him enough to put his welfare above all else.

He may not notice or remember the meal or toy or pair of shoes.

The knowledge that he matters will stick with him and that can be given by any other person willing to reach out and make a difference-even a mother or father.

If we must "enable" people,giving them the raw materials to survive and prosper physically,emotionally and spiritually wouldn't be a bad place to start.

"There are some fathers out there trying to do the right thing....just not the father of mine."

Posted by honda14

Thanks

Simple and great...I'll use that in court.

I know many women who were in marriages, and had affairs with other men. The Husband did nothing wrong but now he has lost half of everything he owns.

Not only did he lose the oppurtunity to be with his children EVERY day, now he has to pay the woman who ruined the marriage child support every week and he aint even getting a chance to be with his children. Paying $100 a week NOT to see your children? C'mon now

No sympathy here. Not only do I feel like she should lose everything, I also feel like she deserves zero money. Thats what they get for ruining a marriage.

I am Seedsower and I approve this message

P.S.

It'd be nice if we could punish ill-behaved adults without putting the children at risk.

Want to help the youngsters without making things cushy for the less-than-perfect ex?

Check with the courts about paying for their housing,utilities,health care,etc. directly instead of through the former spouse.

(Any money or items given COULD be claimed as gifts and separate from any court-ordered support.)

Give kids gift cards or,even better,pre-paid accounts that have your name on them.

They can't buy without your authorization.

You know what's been purchased and where.

This can limit the chances for toys,clothes,school supplies and the like turning into beer,gas,cigarettes,tattoos,guns or nail wraps.

If the parents could act like grown-ups,many of these difficulties would be non-existant.

An unemployed non-custodial parent who was local and responsible could do chores for the other parent,take on chauffeur duties,housework or baby-sitting.

They could get extra time with their kids by attending school functions,sitting with them at church,looking after them on snow days or when they're out sick,etc.

A trip to the grocery store,dentist or laundromat counts.

Getting a haircut with a loved one can be a bigger deal than getting a toy.

Doing homework with them can be quality time.

If the adults can put their differences aside,the parent (or other kin) who isn't there every day can take some burdens off the primary caregiver and get to be around the children.

Something like this should be done any time an adult wouldn't be too indifferent or too dangerous to be involved with the kids.

A refusal to help children because a former partner MIGHT benefit as a result is stupid and immoral.

The children need to come first with all adult parties even if all that accomplishes is demonstratng that maturity and selfishness cannot co-exist.

nathan.evans, I see your point, but at the same time, I thought the guy I was married to was ready to be a father. He's taken me back to court to get his support lowered, but he's not even paying what's already set. I have my child ALL THE TIME! He never gets the child. He doesn't want the child and he told the state attorney in court that he wants to give up his rights. And he told the judge that he could only afford to pay $35 a month for the back support, instead of $50. That's lame! I would gladly let him keep his money as long as I never have to let my child go to his house EVER again! I'm not one of those mothers that has a kid just to get money. And my current husband is a wonderful father that doesn't get to see his kids very often but makes sure he always pays his child support every week, without fussing about how much he has to pay! Some guys are good fathers. It's just a shame they aren't marked on the forehead before you have a child with them! If you are one of the good fathers that doesn't get much time with your kids, I'm very sorry! I know I wouldn't be able to handle not getting to see my child! But please be more careful about how you word things! Some of us are also good mothers! And we want what's best for our children!

Tennessee has one of the highest divorce rates in the US; number 8 from the best I can tell. This is consistent with most Southern states. Those Northern liberal states of New York and Massachusetts - some of the lowest. Obviously, divorce breaks up families.

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't you ultimately to blame for choosing an individual that has trouble behaving like a responsible adult as the father of your children?

-- Posted by nathan.evans on Thu, Nov 19, 2009, at 11:15 AM

This is such a jackass statement to make. If a man is responsible for bringing children into this world, then he is responsible for their upbringing, if not first hand then through monetary help to the mother who ninety nine times out of a hundred is given the responsibility to raise them, and to attempt to throw the lack of morality of the father at the mother is ludicrous. The fact that a man is a deadbeat dad is no ones fault but his own.

I hear nothing of substance here to defend the GOOD FATHERs who have fallen victim to the scummy ex wives, You are willing to as one person said lump all men into the dead beat listing.

Just as dead beat fathers need to be rounded up and made accountable so do the low life mothers that spend their lives not on the welfare of the kids they have custody of but rather on making the lives of the kids fathers as hellish as they can. The moms who use the kids as weapons to manipulate the fathers, they withhold visitation, keep the kids from their families on the dads side, they tell lies and run the dad down, play constant head games and make very one involved lives a living hell just so they can get revenge for what ever. Many time these women are the fault of the separation. Their life's mission is to be sure the father and children will not have a relationship and the father will never have anything good in his life again as ling as they can help it.

My point here is that this is a two sided problem, and the fault can go both ways. The system needs to find away to make both parties accountable to the welfare of the children. Dead beat Dads need to be held accountable, and it needs to be noted the reason that they are dead beat - is it because they are low life bums who do not care or is it because the mother has played so many games, withheld the kids or uses the support to support her newest boy friend and he parties? Does she keep the kids away from him for good reason or out of revenge and manipulation

Just because Mom has custody does not automatically mean she has their best interest at heart any more than the fact he does not means he's a bum. Kids generally go to Mom, no questions asked and Dad is automatically made to be the bad guy. This is not always the case, often it's only a matter of who can afford the best lawyer, or if it's done by the state ( state gives kids to Mom and backs her, Dad has to on top of all the support still figure out of to pay for a lawyer - many just can not afford the costs of lawyer. )

I am lucky I have never been in this situation, but I have worked with many people who have, on both sides of the problem. I've known a mother who busted her bottom to care for kids while Daddy hid his income and left it all u p to her, I worked with a woman who raped the father every dime she could get, kept the kids from him and dumped them on her mother while bragging about all the goodies the ex's check got for HER. Then there was one father working 2 jobs and living in his car because he could not afford rent once his support was taken out of check. These are in addition to the hard working mothers who love the children and push for them to have great lives with respect for all involved.

There are more sides to this than just dead beat Dads cheating the good ex wives, Both sides need to be held accountable and need to provide details that they are putting the children first.

There are instances of bad parenting on both sides.

Sometimes,neither parent is fit and/or willing.

Other times,the mother and father would give anything to be the kind of parent their offspring deserve but they just can't manage it.

That's when other people (family,state,etc.) should be there to do what they can't.

Too often,it doesn't get done.

The children do without and get all kinds of wrong lessons about how the world works.

If they are fortunate,childen see examples of a good work ethic,generosity of spirit and a hunger to make the most of their opportunities and resources.

These are demonstrated every day by the people around them-whether those role models and mentors are relatives or not.

If they are less lucky,committed relationships as shown in community solidarity,reciprocal loyalty between employee and workplace,ties to school,businesses and family seem more the stuff of the past or fiction than knights,pirates,vampires or aliens from another galaxy.

If they believe in themselves and their world,they have a good chance of succeeding no matter what.

If they learn to be cynical or defeatist,then love,ethics,responsibility and committment seem futile or ridiculous.

If we don't give today's children some reason to find credibility in the "good,old-timey" values,they won't have those ideals to live by or pass on to he next generation.

Placing blame or trying to pass the buck won't accomplish anything positive for anyone.

Concentrating on our homes and families as resources worth more than gold or oil might give us each a share in a dream that we have in our power to turn into reality.

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't you ultimately to blame for choosing an individual that has trouble behaving like a responsible adult as the father of your children?

-- Posted by nathan.evans on Thu, Nov 19, 2009, at 11:15 AM

How typical of a liberal to blame the victim instead of the perpetrator. Those who state that liberalism is a mental disorder are 100% correct.

Actually the position I put forth on this topic is closer to a conservative point of view Prison Ink & Scabs. Either way, I could never be defined by a term like "liberal", because I choose the most logical answer available which generally is the correct answer regardless of party or ideology.

Actually the position I put forth on this topic is closer to a conservative point of view Prison Ink & Scabs. Either way, I could never be defined by a term like "liberal", because I choose the most logical answer available which generally is the correct answer regardless of party or ideology.

-- Posted by nathan.evans on Thu, Nov 26, 2009, at 11:34 PM

Yet another blatantly liberal tactic...when one is ignorant to the facts, they resort to name calling. Congratulations nathan, you continue to prove my point with every keyboard stroke you make.

nathan...are you drunk again?

Could there not be a better system by which the courts as well as DCS insures that child support payments are actually benefitting the child? Just as there are many deadbeat dads, there are many fathers who are responsibly making child support payments to irresponsible mothers who use these monies to feed their own bad habits. A better method might be to have this money put on an EBT type card that could only be used for things a child may need. In second guessing this idea however, there are mothers who have to pay for an automobile and insurance so a child can go to school, utilities that have to be paid, rent/house payments as well as other expenses that would benefit the child. I don't know what the absolute right answer might be, but there's got to be a better method than assigning some helpless mother a case number and advising her to be patient for months/years while her child is in need. Cudos to those responsible fathers who are doing right by their children. Swift and certain punishment for those that don't.