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Friday, Apr. 18, 2014

You @#%&*!

Posted Tuesday, March 18, 2008, at 1:48 PM

This one is real personal.

Over four years ago, I took a close friend and her one-year-old daughter into my home because they had no place to go. If I had not acted, they would have been homeless and the woman would have lost custody of her child due to their circumstances.

I have written about it before, but I didn't use any real names. But I will now say that I am the person called "Peter" in the introduction of the three part series. The little girl is now my Goddaughter.

But due to the extremely dangerous environment of where they were living last year, I have taken them back in until their new apartment is ready. They've been living with me since November.

But this isn't what this blog post is about.

It's about the child's father and what he did this weekend. Again.

Actually, it's about what he didn't do.

Since this little angel was one year old, she has had extremely limited to no contact at all with her biological father. When she was old enough to talk, we taught her my name, but she kept wanting to call me Daddy, which is understandable since I've been the only consistent male figure in her life. Sometimes, the word was said in the form of a question. Other times it appeared to be said in a manner that seemed to be self-assurance than anything else.

When she turned three, she began asking questions about her real father and there were finally two or three visits, but they were mostly for the benefit of the child's grandpapa, who hasn't been in the best of health and naturally wants to spend time with his granddaughter.

But the visits were always cut short for one reason or another.

But last week, my five-year-old Goddaughter was so excited. She is going to get to be with her daddy. Daddy is coming to get me. I'm spending the weekend with my Daddy. We heard this all week.

Until two hour before Daddy was to pick her up ...

"My Daddy's not coming," she told me.

He had "other things to do," we were told.

What followed was a whole weekend of wild mood swings from this poor child: From temper tantrums, self pity (nobody loves me) acting out, and the questions. Lots of questions. Heartbreaking questions.

Why didn't Daddy come? Doesn't Daddy love me?

How do you answer a question like that?

She seemed to be OK when I took her to play outdoors Sunday. Except for the fact she was now calling me "Daddy" for the first time in nearly two years.

This is the second time in a row he has pulled this stunt.

And I'm betting it's going to be the last.

Her mother has told the father for her child about what kind of effect his heartless behavior has had on this little girl. And he's been told what the consequences are. In very strong terms.

However, what happened this morning nearly had me in tears.

As I was finishing getting ready for work and leaving my bedroom, there stood my Goddaughter, waiting for me in the hallway. She was bleary eyed and Momma didn't even know she was out of bed.

"Are you coming back?"

Of course, honey, I said.

"You're coming home after work, right?"

Yes, sweetheart. I'll be home.

She held out her arms to be picked up and hugged. While carrying her so she could lay back down, she whispered this in my ear.

"Don't leave. Don't ever leave me."

...

The child's mother has had her words. Now I will have mine.

If the rules of this website permitted my full expression, I would launch into such a tirade of foul language that even some of the more jaded visitors to this site would be shocked. Believe me, I have a full list of descriptions for this ... person. There is one word I wanted to consistently use to describe the little girl's father, but I don't want to be seen insulting human bodily waste.

I also could publicly identify this ... person. But I'm not going to even do that.

You know who you are and what you've done.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing binding you to this child is DNA. You may have been there for the first year of her life, but it was me that was there for the other four. Providing a roof over her head and support. Support that I was in no way legally obligated to furnish, but I did it anyway.

Not because it was the right thing for me to do. It was the only thing to do.

Because you wouldn't.

You, however, have refused to provide for her at all and are only doing so now because it is required by the courts. And I had to write a front page story to get that process finally started.

But what you pulled this weekend showed this little girl exactly what you are. And I'm sure she understands this now. It's all she has been talking about since Friday.

As the years go on, her memory of you will fade. She will remember who was there when she needed a hug. She will remember who took her places, bought her toys, videos, etc. Patched up her boo boos, tied her shoes, wiped her nose and took her to the doctor when she needed it. Answered those questions only a five year old could ask.

None of those memories will be associated with you. There may come a day when she won't remember you at all.

And considering the history of your behavior, it's really for the best.


Comments
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zmd22: I agree with quantumcat, you need to get in touch with the authorities re: the behavior of other adults in your littleones life. Why should you fear reprisals? you have done nothing wrong. If they are putting inappropriate pics of you child on the internet, that is child porn and they will have to answer for that. Take down info and see legal aid and get help. They can help you set up a situation where the child can see her father but only with an aid there. Under supervision. Look, it's a tough call but you are the only person that can help her right now and you MUST do it. We will pray for you.

-- Posted by leChat on Sat, Mar 29, 2008, at 11:50 PM

zmd22,you need to make the professional authorities aware of what these others are doing to your child.

You'll probably get some flack for it but including Human Services,teachers,doctors,clergy or what have you takes you out of the role of "mean ex" and puts the burden on people who can make the so-called adults behave.

If the situation doesn't improve after helping professionals are added to the mix,you've done all you could to aid your child.

If you do nothing but fret for fear you'd be accused of "trying to stir up something" , then you'll be responsible for the damage they do to your daughter.

(Who knows how bad that could become?)

You are morally and LEGALLY accountable for the welfare of your child.

Act in her best interests and she'll see a loving reality that will override any

cruel lies.

-- Posted by quantumcat on Tue, Mar 25, 2008, at 5:01 PM

I have been in a situation where I've had the opportunity to observe innocent children's hearts being broken over selfish, irresponsible, immature (and a host of other adjectives)adults. I'm so glad that this child has found some sense of stability with you in your home. I guess what I was trying to say is that once you extend that hand of mercy, don't pull the rug out from under her feet by retracting that hand. You wouldn't want her to grow up thinking she could never trust anyone, or be loved by anyone.

I've sat and watched disappointed children staring out a window watching and waiting for a scheduled visit from a "delinquent" parent who never had any intention of coming to visit. I've sat and held some of those children, brushed away the tears, tried to soothe their injured souls and prayed that one day the scar that was just made did not imbed itself so deeply that the child's spirit would forever be broken. It's hard to pick up the broken pieces and try to create some normalcy or make a pretty picture out of someone else's mess. Somehow these little ones feel they have done something wrong to make these people not want them or love them. When you see a child hurting and blaming themselves for a situation that was forced upon them, then it is very angering. I understand your anger, and yes, I think it is righteous anger. More people should get angry at these situations and make sure the amount of damage one person can do to a child is limited. Adults make choices. The consequences of their choices sometimes affects innocent children. When the same adults continue to make the same bad choices, then something needs to be done. We encourage people to spay and neuter our pets, well, I say spay and neuter people who ruin the lives of small children. (ouch)

-- Posted by writeattitude on Fri, Mar 21, 2008, at 1:19 PM

Dolittle, you don't need to explain that last part to me! As I have already stated, my son is in the same situation as this little girl and my husband is playing the Daddy role just as Brian is. I'm sure Brian is aware of what not to do in this situation. You said you were only warning him about doing his venting in front of the child (yes I read your posts closely) and I understand what you are saying, but you also said he was hot headed. Don't you think if he was really hot headed, he would have went to the source instead of venting on a blog. It seems to me that he knows this little girl is hurt enough already, so he vented quietly! And he didn't do it in front of the child! That is why I didn't understand what you were talking about. You said she would resent him for talking bad about her real father, but he put his feelings into a blog instead of yelling and throwing a hissy fit. Like I said, he vented quietly and didn't inform her of his thoughts! And I think it was a mature way of getting it off his chest! Not all people that are "hot headed", as you call it, would do it the same way! So maybe he's not as hot headed as you think. He's just fed up!

-- Posted by candasons07 on Thu, Mar 20, 2008, at 8:43 AM

candason, apparently you aren't reading my entries close enough. I warned him against speaking in a negative way about the bio-Dad because she will eventually resent him for it when she is older. I DIDN'T say his is currently doing that. When you are the stand-in Dad and try to do the right thing for the child, it is easy for the child to have a jaded view of the parent who is not in the picture.

-- Posted by Dolittle on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 7:17 PM

Brian, you have every right to be upset in any way over this past weekend. I personally don't see what Dolittle is talking about. You posted a blog and kept it to a minimum on details. That was very mature of you! And you may have a dislike for the father you speak of, but you never said you told the little girl what you thought of him! So, I don't see why Dolittle is telling you that this little girl will resent you! Sounds to me like she is very intelligent because she is already seeing that her father is not there! And she sees you as Daddy! You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone that isn't directly involved with this situation! You did what was right and that's all that matters!

-- Posted by candasons07 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 5:03 PM

LauraSFT, I totally agree with you! Sometimes, even if it is a man that owes child support, nothing is done. I have been there. And I am a step mother and I do everything in my power to ensure that my step sons get back home in the same shape as when they came. Nothing is wrong with having a step parent. As long as the parents are all cooperative with each other, it makes for a better environment for all of the children. And where I would never let another woman say she is my child's mother, I have let my son's father's girlfriend keep him without his father being there simply because she was good to my child and she knew what the borders were! She was better to my child than his father was. And he finally decided that he only wanted the child he has with her. But, like other people have said, my husband and I do not speak negatively about him and my son calls my husband Daddy because he's the only dad that's been around! I agree with you 100 % on the step parent idea! It's a shame other people don't see it like you!

-- Posted by candasons07 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 4:54 PM

Disgusted, I think we are thinking of two different kinds of helping to raise kids. I'm talking about step parents, not handing over the reigns. That would never happen and the fact is that if you are capable of walking away from your child you don't have the love that they require and they will be better without you. Just a personal opinion, but you're right, no way would I ever let someone take over for me. I, am, however willing to let everyone who wants to love and care about the well being of my children. Of course, that person should meet standards and love within reason.

-- Posted by LauraSFT on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 2:22 PM

Brian, Your not the father however you are in the father position where this girls concerned. My mother divorced when I was three and never got married again and my grandfather and uncles filled the father position in my life. As a parent, grandparent, relative, friend, or Godfather when it comes to children in these situations we all have to do damage control from time to time. It's not fair to anyone!

-- Posted by Disgusted on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 2:18 PM

I've seen it happen to my own stepkids and I'm only warning you through experience not to. When she gets older she will resent you for it. Trust me on that. No matter how much of a Saint you are he is still the "real" Daddy as I hear too often. When she is grown, she will no doubt feel the same way about you that most of these posters now feel about the person who truly filled the "father" role in their lives. Until then, bite your tongue no matter how hard it is.

-- Posted by Dolittle on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 2:15 PM

Dolittle, we are very careful not to do that. But the incident this past weekend pushed me to it. You say "If you have nothing good to say about the bio-father, then say nothing at all," but I have kept my mouth shut for far, far too long. Why promise the child you are going to spend time with her, get her hopes up and then pull the rug out from under her a couple of hours beforehand?

-- Posted by Brian Mosely on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 1:38 PM

Writeattitude,

Great post and I'm thinking the same way you are. A time will come for a decision no matter how receptive the "good friend" is now. No woman is going to accept another woman and child as a part of their relationship with a possible mate. Trouble is coming I feel.... That is unless the "Good Friend" isn't female therefore will never view the roommate as a threat.

Disgusted,

That is basically what I was trying to say. If you have nothing good to say about the bio-father, then say nothing at all. Brian appears to be hot-headed at times judging by the title of this blog and other comments he has made in the past and I was only warning against him doing his venting in front of the child...

-- Posted by Dolittle on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 1:32 PM

That is not always the case. And, as far as walking through hell before letting another woman help to raise your children, think of it like this: If that woman has the best of intentions, loves your child and wants nothing more than to do right by that child while knowing full well that you are his/her mother what's the harm?

Posted by LauraSFT

LauraSFT If I were to die I would hope my husband could find a good woman to help raise and love our kids, until then I'll keep my spot!

I'm talking about a woman that does nothing for her children, that has no problem not being a part of her childrens lives. I would give my life for my own or my stepchildren and I don't think you are the kind of mother that would willingly hand your children over to another woman and say have at it, I'm done!

A man is more likely to go to jail for not paying child support than a woman. One of my relatives who now has custody of his son has been to court with the mother around 10 times now. Half the court dates she missed, nothing happened, she still isn't paying, nothing has happened. When she had custody of the son and his father had him every day and night and he was supposed to pay her and didn't, they told him real quick he would go to jail if he didn't pay her. So she got the money and he still had the son all the time until he finally gained legal custody.

Now that's messed up!

-- Posted by Disgusted on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 12:51 PM

writeattitude, the child's mother and I are very close friends and we came to the conclusion years ago, before the birth of her child, that going that route would totally ruin our friendship, and that is something neither of us want. We're more like brother and sister now.

And I already have another "friend" that is "more than a friend" as you put it and it has caused no problems, so we're all good..

-- Posted by Brian Mosely on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 12:43 PM

Maybe you should use Axe Spray, Bow Chika Bow Wow!

-- Posted by Evil Monkey on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 12:41 PM

Brian,

Do you realize the depth of commitment you have made by making this child your goddaughter? You don't describe the relationship between you and her mother other than "my friend". What if this relationship changes, and soon you have another "friend" who becomes more than and friend?. Will there still be room in your house for both a significant other as well as a friend and a godchild? How will you choose? If for some reason your choice does not include your friend, then it is safe to say the child goes with her mother. In the eyes of a small child, you have just rejected her just like her natural father has. Does that make you an evil or bad person in that you have chosen your personal happiness, well-being and future over someone else's? I guess I'm just saying, now that your toe is in the water, you either need to jump in and make a full-fledged commitment to this woman and her child and provide what this child truly needs, unconditional love and stability(after all, 4 years is a long time to test the waters). You began this blog by saying you took them in because they had no place else to go, and you felt you had to care for her because there was no one else to do it. What I heard in your account was an action done out of pity and a sense of duty. Don't confuse these two actions with love. If there is no real love factored into this situation, you could soon easily start feeling resentment toward them both for time and resources spent on their happiness at the expense of your own. This child does not need any further rejection. Wade carefully into these waters. What now appears to be a noble act of generosity, could one day become another loss and disappointment to an undeserving child. By that time she may be able to type her story on the TG blog and have a few unsavory remarks to make herself.

-- Posted by writeattitude on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 12:23 PM

I should add, we adopted those boys in the summer of 2007 and they are now officially family. Ironically, I had always asked God for a little brother when I was a teenager, low and behold and in the most unexpected way, he granted me not one but TWO.

God works in mysterious ways and I love him unconditionally for it.

-- Posted by darrick_04 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 11:59 AM

This is a wonderful blog... Nothing like people sharing thier experiences, and all coming to similar conclusions.

I have never experienced a feeling of abandonment or felt unwanted. Though, God has placed two young boys in my family's lives that we will never be able to thank him enough for. At the respective ages of 5 and 8 we met these two boys for dinner one night in the fall of 2004. Thus began the fostering process, which at times the family seemed to regret. But those feelings were only there because of the newness of the situation. Those feelings have long been replaced with those of assurance and satisfaction that we as a family have done the right thing.

There is nothing in the world like family, people you come home to everyday and thank God for everyday. I for one, have a new outlook on life and try not to take the simple things for granted anymore. Our family, and Brian are proof that there are people out there willing to be the disciples of Christ and do the good works he has called us to do.

Brian, I want to personally commend you for your valant efforts in simply giving these people a roof over their heads. That, I think is the single biggest thing I take for granted. God Bless you and anyone else who acts unselfishly by putting the safety, well-being, health, and love of someone else before their own desires. Still, the irony of this situation is an enduring thought to me. It couldn't have come at a better time for us as well as for you. I do hope that you are rewarded for your commendable humanity. It is a value that many still have inside, and one that so few care to show anymore.

-- Posted by darrick_04 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 11:56 AM

You let a man get behind on his childsupport and they will throw his butt in jail for not paying.

-- Posted by Disgusted on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 11:18 AM

That is not always the case. And, as far as walking through hell before letting another woman help to raise your children, think of it like this: If that woman has the best of intentions, loves your child and wants nothing more than to do right by that child while knowing full well that you are his/her mother what's the harm?

I have been divorced for about 2.5 years now and I have to say that was the very best thing that could have ever happened to my son's relationship with his dad. It forced him to be active in his sons life. There have been issues along the way, but he means well and he loves his son. As for his girlfriends....well, let's just say he's had a few. Only one of them struck me as harmful and I took action to make sure that my child was not going to be around her. The others, while I knew full well were temporary I can't police everyone so they were around my son. I think it's pretty important for the romantic relationship that the girlfriend and maybe soon to be wife knows my child. I don't want him meeting a stranger and having his dad say "this is your stepmom".

Never once have any of his dad's girlfriends came close to taking my place (we also have joint custody), the reason they haven't is b/c my place isn't up for grabs! I'm still in it and holding firmly. As is his dad. Although our commitment to each other failed we made a commitment to this sweet, innocent boy to raise him a certain way and I know first hand it can be done with step parents.

-- Posted by LauraSFT on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 11:50 AM

Dolittle

I'm sure Brian didn't post this blog to get a pat on the back, seems to me he's very angry that this little girl has been hurt. Hes listed no names so we have no idea who this father is.

As for finding something good in all, sometimes there is none. My husband and I have custody of my step children. Their mother pays no childsupport and she doesn't exercise her supervised visitation. She got what she really wanted (no kids). I would walk through hell before I would see another woman help raise my kids, but that's me! We have nothing good to say about her therefore we say nothing at all.

jssg1975

You are exactly right they don't do anything at least not to a woman! You let a man get behind on his childsupport and they will throw his butt in jail for not paying. If they would quit listening to all the deadbeat moms excuses and throw their butts in jail for a while they might decide to do their part.

-- Posted by Disgusted on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 11:18 AM

Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I understand your friends situation completly. I am a mother of three and i go through the same things with the father of our children. We have been divorced for almost 5 years now. Our children are ages 12, 11, and 6. I can tell you from expirence that it doesnt get easier. The questions just get harder.I have tried to speek to him on several occasions about being absent in their lives and the effects that it is having. He always promisses that he is going to do better, but he never does. And our children always have to pay the price. It breaks my heart every time they say bad things about their dad. I know he loves them. I wish he could realize how his actions affect them every day. He has no idea what he is missing. Its sad really. How can someone look into the face of their child and deny them the love that they deserve. I'm not trying to bash my childrens father. He is a really good person. He just makes really bad choices. I remember a time when I couldn't have ask for a better father for my children. I still have hope that he will realize how much they need him to be more active in their lives. I just hope when he does want to be there for them that it's not too late.

-- Posted by csanders on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 10:59 AM

People tend to forget who and what are really important in life. I have a daughter and her father and I have not been together in over a year. We got a divorce because it was just more than what I could handle. He's sometimes a good father but other times he is not. From the day my daughter was born her paternal grandmother has been nothing but trouble for us. During the divorce we agreed it would be best that our daughter not be left alone with her but now he's changed his mind. I haven't however... not only does her paternal grandmother but now her father's girlfriend both tell her I don't love her and I don't want her.

That however, is the furthest from the truth. We have joint custiody but I am her primary care giver and my daughter is my life. I try to explain to her father that letting that type of thing go on around her is only going to damage our daughter but he insist that it doesn't and that our daughter is lying. It breaks my heart when she tells me that his mother and his girlfriend say that I'm a mean mommy and that I don't want her. NOT that they say that about me but that they tell my 3 year old that. What kind of monsters tell a child that?

I try to explain to her father that even though he and I are no longer together and we both have moved on we still have to raise her the best we can. He doesn't want to hear anything that I say though. I've found naked pictures of my child on his girlfriend's myspace page and when I asked for them to be removed he told me it was none of my business what was on his girlfriends page. I had to give them an choice, either the pictures came off, or I was going to the police. I know my daughter needs her father in her life and I hate to take that a way but sometimes I feel that it would be best if he wasn't in her life if he can't act any better and control the other people in his life that are around her. I know you can't control people but he doesn't have to have our daughter around them.

When I read what Brian is doing for this litle girl it touched my heart! It's so important that this child sees that she is important and loved no matter what. Your reward Brian will be greater than you can ever imagine! There's no greater gift than the love of child. It's so pure and it's so amazing! In the end the child will see! There may be lots of hard times and headache ahead but what truly matters is that child sees and feels the love from you and not the dislike you have for her father. That makes you a far greater man!

My respect goes to you for doing all that you have and I pray that you continue to have the relationship you do with this child because she needs all the love she can get! All children deserve all the love they can get!

-- Posted by zmd22 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 10:59 AM

Man, never thought I would be crying on the blogs!

All of the shared stories are great, and I know the last thing you want to hear is another one, so I am shortening my story.

At the age of two, the man I call Dad adopted me, and suprisingly I remember pieces of that day, walking up to the court house holding my soon to be great grandfather's hand! It never dawned on me that my Dad was not my real father, so you can imagine the suprise I had when I was aproached at the age of 17 with the news that my real father had drown in Duck River. Resentment, set in, and suddenly I had no idea who I was. Everything I knew seemed like a big lie.

When they found his body, I went to the funeral. I cried for days. I cried out of hatred and sadness. I cried because I would never get to meet him and let him know what he missed out on.

During my grieving period, my mom lets me know that my Dad's feelings were hurt that I was taking my real father's death so hard. I never ment to hurt my Dad, but it was like loosing part of me when my real father died. I was never granted the oppertunity to sit down as see if I inherited any of my favorite foods or habits from him.

It breaks my heart to read and hear stories similar to mine, and know that other innocent children (more than we can count) are going through the same thing I went though. Despite all they are going through, they will grow up strong, and proud!

Without even knowing it, Brian, you are this little girl's Hero! You have saved her in more ways than you could ever know.

My Dad is my hero. He did not have to adopt me, and call me his own, but he did! I am thankful God put my him in my life to show me love that I would have missed out on otherwise. I am proud to have carried his last name until the day he walked me down the aisle.

-- Posted by Mary on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 10:29 AM

I just want to say that you should always tell the truth to the little girl even if it hurts. I am a step mother of a 16 year old and have been since she was 5. My husband(her father)has custody of her. Through the years we have never lied to her about her mom and sometimes it would hurt her but know she sees the truth and does not even see her anymore. She doesn't pay child support either, she is supposed to, but my husband has got tired of going to court because they do not do anything anyway! Personally, we feel like she can just keep her money as long as she leaves OUR daughter alone! I do consider her my child because I have raised her and done everything for her- giving birth does not make you a mother!! We have 4 other children also for a total of 5! We love each one of them just the same and I can not imagine laying my head down at night and not knowing where my child is! Sometimes, I know it is difficult for her to know that her mom just doesn't care but she knows that we do and thats all she needs!

-- Posted by jssg1975 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 9:24 AM

I just want to say that you should always tell the truth to the little girl even if it hurts. I am a step mother of a 16 year old and have been since she was 5. My husband(her father)has custody of her. Through the years we have never lied to her about her mom and sometimes it would hurt her but know she sees the truth and does not even see her anymore. She doesn't pay child support either, she is supposed to, but my husband has got tired of going to court because they do not do anything anyway! Personally, we feel like she can just keep her money as long as she leaves OUR daughter alone! I do consider her my child because I have raised her and done everything for her- giving birth does not make you a mother!! We have 4 other children also for a total of 5! We love each one of them just the same and I can not imagine laying my head down at night and not knowing where my child is! Sometimes, I know it is difficult for her to know that her mom just doesn't care but she knows that we do and thats all she needs!

-- Posted by jssg1975 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 9:24 AM

Brian, I want to commend you on what you have just shared! My father wasn't around when I was younger and when I got married, he didn't walk me down the aisle because he wasn't invited. We rarely talk at all. And my son's father is the same way. My son is 4 and it's been a year since he has seen or heard from his father. However, like you, my husband is "Daddy" to my son and made it a point to tell the dead beat that my son is now his son. It's great when a man steps up for a child even when he doesn't have to. It takes a real man to do that. My child doesn't know who his father is because he hasn't been around. In 4 years, he may have seen my child 10 times because he too always had another excuse. And when his new girlfriend got pregnant with a little girl, he was satisfied with not having my son around. He was only paying child support because it was taken out of his check by his employer. But now he has quit again. And to keep from going to jail, he pays $10 once a month. So I really think you have done a great thing and in the long run, it will be you that will receive all the glory from this little girl! I pray that God blesses you tremendously for doing the right thing!!

-- Posted by candasons07 on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 8:49 AM

No man could have a greater tribute.

Thank you,jaxspike, for sharing with us a little bit of the kind of man your father was.

-- Posted by quantumcat on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 7:34 AM

This story really hit home with me because I use to be a child almost in the same situation. My parents split a couple of years after I was born and was eventually forced to live with my mother and her new husband when my father started getting extremely sick. During the time that I lived with them, my stepfather verbally and physically abused me and I lived in constant fear because I was told that if I told anyone about it then it would be even worse and I knew my father was too sick to do anything. The worse thing he ever did to me though turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for me and my future. One morning as I was getting ready for school (1st grade), my stepfather for some reason got angry with me and threw me down a flight of stairs. When I went to school, the teacher suspected something from the bruises and that my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Eventually they got me to tell them what had been going on and so they arrested my stepfather.

The problem though is that my mother went and bailed my stepfather out of jail and then she proceeded to leave town and I have only seen her one time since she left that day. My biological father was so mad and upset and even though he was still sick, he took me back into custody and refused to let anyone else take care of me. My father was an amazing person who showed me the true definition of unconditional love and his love never wavered and I always knew that and even when he started going blind from his illness, he never thought twice about someone else taking care of me and gave me the best love possible up until his death.

For the longest though, I wonder what I did to make my mother not love me anymore and even wondered if maybe I deserved to be abused by my stepfather because I felt I had done something to deserve losing my mother's love. I kept blaming myself for my mother absence and just wonder why she was gone. My father made me realize though that I had done nothing wrong and that her actions only reflected upon herself and was no fault of my own. Through my father's love, I realized what she and my stepfather did was wrong and that I deserved better than that and there was still people who loved me and wanted the best for me and those were the people who would make a difference in my life and my father was one of those people. I don't think two parents could have done a better job then what my father did and I just hope that I am half the person that he ever was.

I guess my point to you Brian is this . . . life is full of many disappointing people and events but what you are doing for this girl and her mother will definitely make a difference in the little girl's life. You will give her hope in humanity and love and you will prove to her that good and loving people exist and that her father's actions are solely his own doing and nothing to do with her and that will help her grow up to be a healthy individual who believes in herself and the greater good of humanity. Most of all, she will know unconditional love exists and that she has the same capacity to give that kind of love to someone else. That kind of thing is priceless and its people like you who make the world a better place . . . not people like this little girl's father or my mother. To make a negative situation into a positive one is a true gift and hopefully for this little girl you have that gift. As someone who use to be in that kind of situation, she will definitely appreciate it and use it as inspiration for the rest of her life like I do with my father. Thanks so much for caring because it is people like you who make sure people like me have a chance in life.

-- Posted by jaxspike on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 7:11 AM

Thank you,Rhebea96.

I hope that things go well for you and your child.

BTW,children can detect a load of sugar-coated crap a mile away so if we can't do better than lambast the absent parties or gloss over their shortcomings,we can say something truthful like:

"Whenever I'm tempted to think there's nothing good about ______, I look at you.

Maybe you've gotten everything positive there was about (him/her) but you're proof that the time your mother and father had together wasn't a mistake.

No one could regret the kind of miracle that blessed us with you."

-- Posted by quantumcat on Wed, Mar 19, 2008, at 1:52 AM

quantumcat, just wanted to say I truly enjoy reading your posts!

Brian, as a single mother of nearly 12 years, I must agree with quantumcat's post. You may already be doing this and just using this blog to vent, but my advice would be to accentuate her father's good points (you may have to search hard to find them, but they're there) and not dwell on the bad points. You must remember that anything negative said about her father could be construed as being something negative about her, as she is as much a part of him as he is of her.

I understand your frustration and although I still love my ex (unbelievable! even after 12 years and no contact, what's wrong with me??) in a lot of ways I have a very strong dislike for him for abandoning us. I struggle everytime my child asked about his father not to say anything negative, but I simply don't let myself go there.

Just do the best you can and LOVE your Goddaughter...that is all she really needs!

-- Posted by Rhebea96 on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 11:09 PM

It's hard to get close to children of someone you're dating just because the adults' relationship might change and where does that leave the kids?

Parents are tempted to avoid letting their children get to know even people who might become their step-parents one day.

The paranoia about child molesters makes it hard for kids to get close to ANYbody-teachers,clergy,scout leaders,neighbors,relatives or anyone who might cross their paths.

Emotional and geographic distance gets in the way of knowing non-custodial relatives.

Children need to retain their loved ones in their lives even if circumstances prevent normal contact.

Even if they must face some hard truths about some of these people and relationships,the bonds still need to be respected.

If a person is a blood relative,remember that part of what makes the child wonderful exists in them -not just the child's flaws.

If the only connection is heart-to-heart,acknowledge that the child is responding to something real and positive in that relationship.

Children don't need to buy into the fallacy that relationships are fraudulent or temporary.

Love is the most permanent and genuine thing out there.

Circumstances can get in its way but it's never a mistake to care for other people or try to nurture and maintain the affection one has for others.

-- Posted by quantumcat on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 8:06 PM

This may be kind of personal, but how do you feel about the little girl's mother? If there is love there I say go for it, and that precious little girl could be your real daughter. Just don't ever leave that little girl even if she does move away. Especially when she calls you daddy. She obviously loves you. I know when I was a little girl I blocked out a lot of the bad and remember especially the people that were good to me.

-- Posted by christiangirl on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 6:50 PM

Being there when the sperm donar isn't is an admirable quality, but getting on here to get a pat on the back is not. I have step-kids who's bio father has been out of the picture long periods of time, but don't won't any congrats or thanks for it. I'd rather people didn't know his short-comings because it hurts the kids when "outsiders" see it. The little girl will grow up and realize the many sacrifices you've made for her. She'll also deeply resent you while growing up if you ever display any of your true feelings for her bio father. That is one thing I've learned as a step-parent ( or godparent in your case), no matter how bad things are, that is still her "real" father and you'll have to let her see his shortcomings on her own.

-- Posted by Dolittle on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 6:48 PM

DUHHHHH....

Sorry,Brian.

That'll teach me to try and compose with a head full of decongestant and a lapful of critters while my ride's honking in the driveway.

I got one thing right.

You are a credit to all those who had the sense to love you.

You haven't begun to see what a difference you're making in that child's life.

Maybe her father feels too inadequate to even offer what he can to be a part of his children's growing up.

As for the soldier's dad,maybe he can't keep up with how many youngsters he's sired.

(Or he's had such a peripheral role in the boy's life that the son got a wrong number and couldn't tell the difference.)

In any case,children need to know they matter.

They can get material support from a check issued by a computer (theoretically,anyway) but they need real people to provide caring and guidance.

You can't give too little if you give them any love at all.

They certainly can't get more love than they can use.

The more love a person gets,the more they have to share.

-- Posted by quantumcat on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 5:21 PM

SoldierMom, your comment brought tears of anger, frustration and empathy for your son. I am sure you congratulated him, but pass along mine too, as well as thanks for his service to our country.

I can only hope that life hits the biological father smack in the face and brings about some decency and humanity.

-- Posted by stevemills on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 4:27 PM

Thank you Brian for your willingness to make a difference in this young girls life. As she grows into a young lady she will have the assurance that there is a man in her life that loves her and she won't have to go looking for men to give her what she didn't get from her father. It takes 2 seconds to be a father but a lifetime to be a dad. Hugs, kisses and "I love you's" build a strong bond genetics or not!

-- Posted by ontheoutside on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 4:16 PM

My oldest daughters father was the same way, he in the long run done her a favor. I never pushed for child support because it wasn't worth the fight. I do mean fight as in busted windows, flat tires, and those kinds of things.

No example is better than a bad example! My daughter calls her bio dad by his first name, says hes never been her dad.

Your Goddaughter has her little heart broken but she will be OK and she will know that she is loved. You may not be her dad but is sounds like your the closest thing shes got and there's where shes a very lucky little girl. You can always be Daddy Brian, you are her Godfather.

-- Posted by Disgusted on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 4:06 PM

You have done a very wonderful thing. This child will long remember all the good people in her life and it just goes to show what a fine person you are.

My son and I had a similar experience with his dad - he would never show up when he said he would, never paid child support, in fact, he owes well over $100,000.00 right now, and I can't collect because he works for cash here and there.

The final straw for my son, who had always tried to maintain contact with his dad, was when he graduated from basic training. . . .

"Hey dad, I did it! I passed all my tests, and I'm going to graduate basic training!"

And his dad says, "Who is this?"

My son hasn't spoken to him since.

-- Posted by SoldierMom on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 3:54 PM

Picky picky picky David-:) Let Brian know his concern is certainly in the right place.

Seriously, it is love and concern like yours that keeps this world livable. It is unconceivable to me that parents ON EITHER SIDE can treat their children so poorly, and even criminally.

-- Posted by stevemills on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 3:40 PM

Except, I'm Brian. ;) Thanks for your thoughts, in any case.

-- Posted by Brian Mosely on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 2:51 PM

It will take a while for this child to understand someone being unable to love her as she deserves.

It will take longer for her to let go of the hate.

If she's fortunate,she'll reach a time that she'll understand why her biological father acted as he did-and she'll pity him for all the joys of fatherhood he lost.

I'd guess it's easier when it's the adult who's cut off.

He can send what monies he can afford directly to the landlords,grocery stores and utility agencies.

He can buy subscriptions to a magazine,put out birthday greetings in the paper and on the radio.

He can publicly affirm his love and any family ties with every possible action so no one can ever deny that he wanted inclusion in his child's life and wanted to visit them,call them and burn up the wires on the computer saying "I love you."

As I wrote once before,sometimes it takes something like Alzheimer's disease to remove whatever internal barriers make a person unable or unwilling to show love to their child.

But,this godchild knows what being loved feels like.

She'll know the discipline,the concern and the playfulness that family and friends can offer to the children in their lives.

She'll see love and responsibility modeled so she can demonstrate them in her own life.

David,she's learned that a Godfather is more than someone who leads a Mafia family.

It is someone who has volunteered to be spiritually responsible for a young life.

Whether that happened inside or outside a church,the fact remains:

No one ever "accidentally" acquired a godchild.

This young lady will know at least one person deliberately and voluntarily chose to recognize her as a lovable human being.

She'll never have to look in the wrong places for something to fill a void in her soul.

Instead,she'll have a frame of reference for the concept of unconditional love and she'll have enough compassion and joy within her that she can share the surplus with the rest of us.

Thank you,David,for being there for her.

You're a testament to the care your parents gave to you.

Love may be the riskiest investment we can make but you can't beat the dividends!

-- Posted by quantumcat on Tue, Mar 18, 2008, at 2:44 PM


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Brian Mosely is a staff writer for the Times-Gazette.
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