THE NIGHT BEFORE BLACK FRIDAY
(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. This off-the-wall rewrite of the classic poem is dedicated to all merchandisers who are trying to change the pronounciation of THANKS-giving to Thanks-GIVING. Emphasis should forever be on the first syllable.)
'Twas the night before Black Friday, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring...no one was in the house.
The shopping bags were hung by the door with care.
In hopes that bargains galore would soon be there.
The shoppers were far from nestled in their beds,
While visions of deals danced in their heads.
And mamma with her purse, and I with my billfold,
Had just revved up for things to be sold.
When across the parking lot there arose such a clatter,
I peered out the window to see what was the matter.
I hit the window switch with a flurry,
And rolled it down in a hurry.
The moon shining on the car tops' glow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a chartered bus, faster than reindeer.
With a skilled driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he'd been trained by St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his shoppers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Taylor! now, Carrie! now, Miley and Britney!
On, Beyonce! On, Katy! On Jessica and Ashlee!
To the store's front door! to the edge of the wall!
Now smash down! smash down! smash down all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the front door the shoppers they flew,
With intent to buy, and save money too.
And then, in a twinkling, as loud as two bands,
The scratching and clawing of each shopper's hands.
As I looked to see, and was turning around,
The store's front doors came down with a bound.
The shoppers were dressed to move, many in a thin sweater,
Just enough to stay warm but to move better.
They all had shopping carts, ready to fill,
And looking for that true low-price steal.
Low prices made their eyes twinkle and their dimples merry!
Pre-sunrise cold made their cheeks like roses, their noses like a cherry!
Their mouths began to yell,
At the merchants, "Go on and sell!"
They were poised, their teeth were clenched,
On their shopping lists their fingers were pinched.
With winks of their eyes and twists of their heads,
It became clear those in their way had everything to dread.
They spoke many words and went straight to their work,
Fights over bargains began; then a few acted like a jerk.
And placing their middle finger in front of their nose,
And giving a nod, straight up it rose.
The driver sprang to his bus, to his shoppers gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove into the night,
"Happy Black Friday to all, and isn't this a wild sight!"