Daddy's Rules For Dating My Daughters!

Posted Sunday, March 7, 2010, at 2:08 PM

Happy Birthday Girls!

As my daughters turn 12 tomorrow[ Happy Birthday Angels] and they attend their first school dance[OH ME!]

I got to thinking about the rules I would set for dating my daughters, which is still a while yet, at least 20 or so years, 5 at the least.

I found this list on several different sites, where it started, I have no clue.

I will post it then add my own, wish you would do the same.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Baghdad . When my post traumatic stress syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Rule Eleven[ NO 1 ON MY LIST! My daughters dates will be blood bought bible believing Christians, only exception will be a Messianic Jew.

Rule Twelve: no earing's or body paint.

Rule Thirteen: Must attend Church on Sunday

Rule 14:When you pull up , if thee music you are playing rattles my teeth, turn around and leave.

Rule Fifteen:I have permission to make, amend any rules I want, and dish out the punishment as I see fit.

If I am called "bigot" accused of prejudice or racial discrimination , so be it, God gave those girls to me and it is my duty to take care of and to protect them until them and me agree on the next one to fill that role, though they will always be Daddy's girls!

Comments
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What are you trying to accomplish here?

The public blog you have been given should be looked at as an opportunity to discuss moral issues or share God's love. Instead this appears to be a backwards man's attempt at being funny by reposting someone else's content and adding a few lines of condescending drivel.

The mere fact that you brought up racism at the end, when the entire list makes no mention of race, shows that you in fact ARE prejudiced.

And the list isn't that funny. It's like Larry the Cable Guy mixed with Pat Robertson.

I am sorry there are people like this who make all believers look ignorant. FAIL

-- Posted by veggietales on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 4:30 PM

FYI: The bog was supposhed to be a laugh and a public birthday wish to my girls.

People seem to intertwine racial prejudice and bigoted all three together. I am a firm believer that to some extent everyone is one or the other.

If a race other than white asked my daughter out and se said no, would she be considered a racist?

If she was asked out by a Muslim, Atheist or anything but a Christian and I would not allow it, which I would not, would I be a bigot?

If a lesbian asked my daughter out or just wanted to spend the night and I said no, which I would, would I be prejudice? Oh Well so be it. GET R' DUN!

A far as the moral issues go, I am beginning to think that very few people even care about morals anymore.

I bring up what I believe to be the major moral issues facing America Abortion and same sex marriage and people laugh and say those are not moral issues, but choices.

So to Veggietales you raise yours how you see fit and I will raise mine, Have a nice day!

I am all about the love of Jesus and I believe it is unlimited, but some must push him to his limits sometime.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 4:57 PM

You see the major moral issues of our day homosexuality and abortion. You've got to be out of your mind.

There are more instances of adultery, murder, assault, thievery, etc. than there are of a woman choosing to terminate a pregnancy or by individuals of the same gender entering or maintaing a relationship. No, those two are the moral issues that dominate YOUR thinking. Stop obsessing!

-- Posted by gottago on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 5:05 PM

all those are moral issues, abortion is murder Case closed! Homosexuality goes against all natural laws especially God's! case closed!

The others, thievery, assault, are all bad but people have come to accept them as O.K. People claim to have a predisposition to steal, or a sex addiction so they cheat or they can't help assaulting someone because of some kind of disorder, GIMMEE A BREAK! IT'S CALLED SIN, CONFESS IT , REPENT AND FOLLOW JESUS!

-- Posted by michaelbell on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 5:13 PM

Sin is sin. You can try to make one sound worse than the other, but it is all the same in God's eyes. Plus your blatent hatred for those who sin is just is bad. We will all have to answer for the sins we have done in our lives and you need to make sure you are ready to answer for yours.

Everyone can receive God's forgiving grace. Yet when you go off on your tangents, you turn more people away than those who you should try to be reaching.

You love to try tell peole about how bad churches are now days. Take a good look in the mirror. It is always easier to condemn someone else than take a good look into your own life. Get a grip.....

-- Posted by For the kids on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 6:13 PM

I was trying to make my girls smile and laugh[which they did by the way] and you want to get all out of sorts which took me out of sorts.

Those rules for my daughters were serious though.

Just becuase I show a few disagreements in what the majority think on issues I get berated and called this, that and the other , that's fine, I have tough skin, it don't bother me!

You are so right, sin is sin, and several churches teach and I quote" God loves you, it's all right it could not be helped" Bull!

To many try to explain the sin rather than trying to not sin!

-- Posted by michaelbell on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 6:22 PM

When I reach Judgment day , my answer will be to look at Jesus and say "I plead the blood" for that is all that can save you! What will your plea be?

-- Posted by michaelbell on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 6:31 PM

I stopped reading your blogs eons ago but my curiosity got the best of me tonight.

For this blog, I say I pity your girls, teenage years are hard enough without your obscure rules.

You might as well be telling your girls, Hey I will pick out whom you marry.

Actions like yours turn most teenagers into rebellious out of control adults. When teenagers are deprived of being able to choose their own friends and or boyfriends believe me the results are devastating.

Have you never heard The preachers kids are always the worse? Well Michael that isn't just an ole saying it is fact.. But I am sure you are sitting there reading this thinking My girls will be different but unfortunately you are mistaken. They are still young now and maybe don't mind the control factor give it a couple of years then reread this blog.

-- Posted by Dianatn on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 6:55 PM

I got a lot of giggles out of this one. It brought back memories of my brother when his "little girl" turn about the same age. AHH the innocence, ( his as well as hers). I see your humor here and wish the girls a happy birthday. Why, I giggled is that no matter how long your list is, you can never have enough imagination to see it all coming and cover all the bases. My noece is now grown, but he still keeps his list handy for the next girl due to date soon. He told his son to also memerize that same list for when he took other "Daddy's" girls out.

I like the nail gun idea, but may suggest a lot of duck tape instead ( easier to explain in court, and won't result in near as long a jail sentence for you when his parents find out) And baggy pants should not be the only pants to tape in place.

I do suggest you drop #5, You will cheat yourself out of a lot of humorous entertainment (just think back to when you had to stand with the father of a young girl you were picking up - my guess is like many a young man your foot usually ended up in your mouth ,I remember my husband embarrassed himself many a times as he rambled on not knowing what to say, Dad would just let him ramble on and laugh about it later) Also,it is always wise to know the enemy ( if I had a daughter I think any boy who came by may be considered one- deserve it or not LOL), if you don't get a good look at whats inside that silly head of his you won't be able to tell which this young man may be friend or foe.

#8, Hockey is good !!! Have "her" wear the uniform. And the carry a stick, could come in handy, :)

Do keep in mind, a since of humor is good, prevention and limits, a must. But if the noose is too tight you'll lose your little angels just as surely as if it's too loose. Balance is the key. I do assume this blog is a lot of tongue in cheek humor mixed with well earned fear.(Perhaps a lot of it remembering being a teenage boy to go along with it, I love hearing my hubby talk about being that age, it's an never ending source of giggles as I listen - and he was a good guy)

Some dear friends of mine used old time rules, If you wanted to date their daughter, you asked her Dad. It worked well, it let Dad approve of the young man, and gave her an out when peer pressure was a problem. She, as strange as this sounds, liked that arrangement. And did not complain till she was almost 18, at which time she had matured enough to be a better judge, and Dad was given time to respect her choices.

Your post was cute, ( the last paragraph went over board though) Keep the humor, pray , and stock up on tranquilizers, your in for a lot of stressful nights. :) WOW TWIN PRETEEN GIRLS, oh my my ......

-- Posted by wonderwhy on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 10:15 PM

Okay, man. I don't mean to be negative here. Happy birthday to your girls.

Instead of just saying FAIL, maybe I should offer a couple of ideas that you could use to improve your blog:

* Stop copying and pasting other people's content and trying to pass it off as your own.

* Use a spell-checker and fix your grammar and punctuation.

I am sure I speak for many when I say this. You want to be a pastor. You want people to hear/read your words and take them seriously. You want to help 'build the kingdom', correct? But you make yourself look like a fool when all of your writing is lower than junior high level.

You have said 'this is only a blog'. But if you 'do all things as if unto the Lord' then you should at least ATTEMPT to write with authority. At least ATTEMPT to be coherent.

I have several friends who are atheist, several who are Christian. I don't know what everyone feels in their own minds, but I know that if I were on the fence, and I came across your blog, I would immediately jump onto the other side, because of the hypocrisy and sheer stupidity I read.

James 2:10 - this shows me that abortion is no worse than theft or lieing.

Yet you steal and lie, when you steal other people's content, and when you get called out, you say, 'my bad, that article was something I had written in my notes'. Really? Scan these notes and post a JPG, please, because I would love to see them.

(If you don't know what I am talking about, here is a link: http://www.t-g.com/blogs/michaelbell/ent... )

I was reading, thinking the whole time, this guy is an idiot who can't spell, and all he does is copy and paste other people's content. Then about half way down, after reading a bunch of comments, you actually said something that seemed to be well thought out and properly capitalized and punctuated and with correct spellings.

I thought to myself, way to go, MB, you proved me wrong, maybe you decided to use the spell check! FINALLY, you make some effort as a writer to come up with something coherent. But then... WRONG!

"Posted by amalphia on Tue, Feb 23, 2010, at 10:58 PM : For those of you that are interested in the other related articles on the website Michael quoted you can go to http://www.gotquestions.org/what-happens...

....

Michael please include the website when you quote an article that you have not written yourself. Gotquestions.org is copyright protected (� Copyright 2002-2010 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.) when you see this at the bottom of an article or screen there are limitations on how you may present the contents to others.

Thank you"

"my bad, I had that aricle written down in some of my notes.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Wed, Feb 24, 2010, at 4:29 AM"

If you can produce a scan of those notes then I will apologize, but I find it highly unlikely. What is MORE likely, is that you copied and pasted this and intentionally left out the source. I do not believe for a second that you typed out the preceding except by hand from your notes, ERROR-FREE, when all your other writing is JAM-PACKED with errors and nonsense. So is this not a case of thievery and lies? And what makes that any better than abortions and gay marriage?

Let alone, you are passionate about abortion and homosexuality--FINE, that is awesome that you care enough about the issues to speak your mind. But not every church in America is sweeping these issues under the rug. What good does it do to highlight these two topics over and over again? My church (or at least the pastors) are against both of these sins. But they don't try to guilt people or scare them into receiving salvation. If you have a colorful past, and you repent of it, great, let's move on and start your walk with God, not beat the dead horse for the next 20 years about the horrible sin you committed when you were younger. I think you have tunnel vision. There are many other things you could choose to talk about, like maybe how people in the body of Christ are starving, in other countries, and all it would take to feed them would be you and me, giving up a meal or two at McDonalds. (I am not pointing fingers, I am as guilty as anyone--just saying.)

Christianity is not about one or two pet peeves of an amateur blogger, it is not about the religious right, or TV preachers. Authentic Christianity is about FREEDOM. Christ died to FREE us from the bondage of slavery to sin. We have the FREEDOM to now turn away from sin and live our lives without that mental shackle.

I would hope that as your daughters mature, you allow them to experience that FREEDOM and make their own Godly decisions. Sure, offer your guidance, but don't be an ignorant fool whom they are embarrassed to call their dad. If you do your best to raise them with sound principles, they might surprise you and make their own wise decisions.

Don't be the guy who pushes all nonbelievers away, because of the spiteful, uneducated, outspoken and unoriginal blog that gave him an unfortunate power trip. Please. The cost is too high.

-- Posted by veggietales on Sun, Mar 7, 2010, at 10:17 PM

Your girls are so very pretty. Happy Birthday girls.

-- Posted by rebelrosecountrymom on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 1:01 AM

Rule 2 can he not hold her hand? Rule 3...Just sing Pants on the ground Pants on the ground looking like a fool with your pants on the ground..Rule 5 Come on you need to talk to the boy to get to know him. Show him respect and he will show you respect..I stopped at Rule 7..It is just uncalled for. Treat the boy with respect just like you would want his mom and dad to show your daughter respect.

-- Posted by rebelrosecountrymom on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 1:11 AM

As I stated these rules were from several different sites, so which one has the rights, and I have been including the sources, and using spell check.

As far as my daughters raising, if more parents would know who there sons or daughters were dating, or hanging with or texting or whatever, they may not get into the trouble that most kids do.

What my girls do after age 18 is them until then is me. but with biblical raising and church, I should not have to worry.

All Aunt's and Uncle's share the same values and Grandparents so when they are away, nothing changes that much.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 4:23 AM

And for those interested, I don't believe in "time out" though I have never had to spank my girls.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 4:40 AM

I thought it was amusing as intended.

-- Posted by Average_Joe on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 7:32 AM

Likewies, I found it amusing as intended. Happy birthday to the twin girls.

-- Posted by Blessed Assurance on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 8:01 AM

I took it as you meant it - funny. Your daughters are very cute and I remember my own daughter at that age and her father's attitude (much like yours).

A little humor goes a long way....

-- Posted by oneamerican on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 8:10 AM

I thought it was funny with a good message behind it. My little girl is 7 and I feel the same way about dating even though we have a while before that will happen.

And someone mentioned that if you are too strict then the kids will rebel....well, I experienced the opposite. My parents were not strict and I usually did what I wanted and let me tell you.....not a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I was a good kid and talked the talk but behind the scenes of it all I was doing things that I look back on now and all I can say is " whoa! I can't believe I did that!"

There is a balance of to disciplining our children. Be a parent 1st and their buddy 2nd.

-- Posted by honda14 on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 8:27 AM

Hey Mike!! Happy birthday to the two beauty queens. They are cute girls i remember praying for them. they were cute babies and they are cuties now.. enjoy their age!

-- Posted by 4fabfelines on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 9:24 AM

Well Mike I thought this was, in a lot of areas, amusing. However some parts, to me, seemed a bit obsessive (no offense). Those certain parts reminded me of my ex father- in- law who most people find useless but I digress. Now when they get to high school, here's a rule for you; If the guy wants a date bad enough, he'll have no problem writing down the make and model of his car with his license plate number. I had to do this years ago for a girl in Unionville I took out for a movie.

-- Posted by 1ukolsir on Mon, Mar 8, 2010, at 11:28 PM

I will be very protective , but not as bad as those ways I listed, I was just having some fun.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Tue, Mar 9, 2010, at 3:48 AM

Happy Birthday to your 2 cute girls. Your blog was very funny. I remember having the same feelings as my daughter approached the dating years. I always told her that I would be in the back seat, and if she didn't see me physically, she had better imagine me there and remind the young man I was there. I am happy to say she grew up and married a wonderful Christian man and they have 3 beautiful children (my precious grand-babies). Again, I loved your article and your passion for taking care of your girls.

-- Posted by ILoveRoses on Wed, Mar 10, 2010, at 10:10 AM

I would like to wish your girls a Happy Birthday!

I also found it to be amusing and to bring back memories of growing up. When i started dating many yrs ago my dad had several similar rules.

I also have 2 girls and think the same way as my father did so many yrs ago so my rules will be alot oof the same ones.

-- Posted by alwaysamomof3 on Thu, Mar 11, 2010, at 1:41 PM

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes and I am glad my young ladies are home safe and sound.

-- Posted by michaelbell on Thu, Mar 11, 2010, at 8:48 PM

Hi Michael,

I liked your post it was funny. I have two daughters and they love it when their dad gets crazy protective so I'm sure you kiddos like it too. Keep them safe.

I'm about to post a piece about letting your daughters date in jr. high (no car dates, I take them to the bowling ally and stuff like that).

Hope it's ok if I post a link and make reference to this story. It'll be up by Monday.

Thanks again,

Diana Hampo

www.hampoland.com

-- Posted by www.hampoland.com on Sun, Aug 15, 2010, at 8:26 PM