Local native writes for dads

Shelbyville native David Thomas, co-author of a new book about becoming a father, says men who are approaching that step need to be honest with themselves about their insecurities, giving themselves permission to be a little scared but at the same time recognizing the great importance of their new role.

Thomas is the co-author, with Stephen James, of "Becoming A Dad: A Spiritual, Emotional and Practical Guide," released in March by Relevant Books. He will sign copies of the book from 10 a.m. until noon Saturday at New Covenant Christian Bookstore.

Thomas is a 1988 graduate of Central High School. His grandparents, Marion and June Savage, still live in Shelbyville, and his father, Monty Thomas, is a former Bedford County school superintendent and Shelbyville City Council member.

"I have really rich, wonderful memories of that place," he said.

The genesis of "Becoming A Dad" came when he and co-author James both became fathers around the same time. James is a private practice psychotherapist; Thomas is a therapist with Daystar Counseling Ministries, where James' wife Heather is also employed. At the time of his first child, Thomas combed the bookstores for advice to fathers, but most of the books were concerned only with the mechanics of pregnancy, childbirth and child care. Even a child, Thomas noted, can figure out how to put on a diaper or give a baby a bottle. Thomas had been looking for a different level of advice, and he couldn't find it on the book shelf.

Several years later, when both couples were expecting again, Thomas and James compared notes and discovered that both men had been frustrated with the lack of a good book advising fathers. They decided to write one themselves, and began shopping it to various publishing companies.

Relevant Media Group is not only a book publisher but also the publisher of Relevant magazine, a magazine on Christian life and popular culture marketed to people in their 20s and 30s. James knew an editor at the magazine and sent her a copy of the manuscript.

"They were one of the companies that was really interested," Thomas said.

Each of the book's chapters begins with a question a new father might ask, starting with "Do I want to be a father?" Other questions include "Am I as happy as she is?" "What if something terrible happens to my child?" and "How do I prepare?"

Thomas said many men are anxious or even ambivalent about becoming fathers.

"I think it's much more common that women are ready," he said. The book acknowledges common fears and anxieties and lets men know that they aren't bad fathers just because they are afraid.

Men also connect to their children in different ways. A pregnant woman has nine months of a unique relationship with the baby, a relationship the father can't duplicate, and so will relate to the baby differently than the father. Fathers may need to relax and realize that their own relationship with the child will develop in its own way, at its own pace.

"Is something wrong with me?" Thomas imagines a father thinking. "I love the baby, but I don't necessarily feel connected."

Many men are concerned with action, and may find it hard to relate to the somewhat more internal focus of pregnancy.

"Pregnancy involves a lot of waiting, and anticipating, and being still," said Thomas.

Then, after the birth, comes a lot of work, very little sleep, and major expenses.

"I think men are surprised at how disruptive it can be," said Thomas, but they are also surprised at their own capacity to feel love for the new life that has come into the world.

"You are going to be a better man," Thomas tells prospective fathers. "I would remind them that [they] have so much to offer."

Fathers may feel insecure about their ability to love and provide, but their mere presence is an enormous gift. In his counseling work, Thomas often sees what happens when a father figure is absent.

"That loss is tremendous," he said. A mother can talk to her young son about manhood, but it's far better if the son has a father or father figure to demonstrate what becoming a man is all about.

Not every man is alike, of course, and some ideas of how men and women should act are sexist stereotypes. But there are recognizable gender differences and there is a need for male role models in a child's development.

Men may have insecurities about their ability to provide for a family, which can involve daunting costs and challenges. Both co-authors of "Becoming A Dad" have sets of twins. When Thomas's twin boys arrived, with their daughter still in a car seat, he and his wife Connie discovered that their car literally wasn't big enough to fit three car seats. They had to buy a van.

Although the book is intended as a guide for fathers themselves, Thomas said he and James have also heard from women, for whom the book served as a help in understanding their husbands' attitudes.

"We've gotten a lot of great feedback from women," he said.

Thomas advises women to let men be themselves. Some men, for example, are so nervous in the delivery room that they seem clumsy or awkward. Thomas recalls being told to support his wife's back -- and pushing her up so far that she could barely breathe.

"Let him be awkward," Thomas advises. "And let him be the way he's going to be with the kids." Thomas' own wife accuses him of being a "field trip dad" because he's more comfortable taking the children on outings than spending quiet moments with them at home.

Of course, when he was first asked for his advice to new mothers about how to encourage new fathers, he had a different response.

"I think a great thing to do is to buy him this book," Thomas laughed.