Sick of turkey, glad for family gathering

I'm betting that I am, but I wrote this column early this week because of the holidays, so I'm not yet sure.

As of this writing, I'm getting psyched up for a trip home to Knoxville for the holiday.

I have a big family -- very big. Both of my parents were only children, so I have no aunts, uncles or cousins, but I've got a ton of siblings, neices and nephews. How many? Hold on a minute while I count ... Well, maybe you better let me explain:

Both of my parents were married before they married each other. From my father's first marriage, I have two half brothers (who I've never met, so I don't even know how many kids and grandkids they might have) and one half sister, Gay. She has two kids, but I haven't talked to her in a while, so I'm not sure about grandkids. So that's three siblings and two noiphids.

What's a noiphid? I just made that up; it's a generic term meaning all neices and nephews. We use "parent" to mean mother or father; we use "sibling" to mean brother or sister; now we can use "noiphid" to mean neice or nephew. The term will come in handy later.

I have three half brothers and three half sisters from my mom's first marriage, and one half brother who passed away many years before I was born, at the age of nine. So that's six more siblings for a subtotal of nine, but for the purposes of this column, let's call it six, because the others don't come to our Thanksgivings.

Confused yet?

Then I have one full sister, for a total of 10, but we'll call it seven. Of those seven, four are married, and the other three have been married at least once. So now we're back up to 11 siblings.

Now for the noiphids. I have 14 of them that I know of, and one noiphid-in-law, for a total of 15. I have a total of 11 great-noiphids, and one great-noiphid-in-law, for a total of 27 noiphids, great-noiphids and great-noiphids-in-law. That I know of.

And you wonder why I don't have any kids?

Add that to the siblings, and we're up to 38, not counting me or my mother, the matriarch of this great tribe. Add in all the friends, girlfriends and boyfriends who may show up for Thanksgiving, and you've got quite a dinner gathering.

Sometimes everyone shows up, but several won't be there this year, so we'll probably have about 35 on hand to give thanks this year.

To feed the horde, we'll have a roast turkey, a fried turkey, maybe a smoked turkey, probably a duck, and definitely a ham. That's just the meat. Add to that all the appetizers, casseroles, breads, vegetables and desserts, and we're talking about quite a feast. It will take at least three plates to try everything. And then a fourth (and maybe a fifth) to cover dessert.

Then there's the Saturday football party. I think we're having burgoo, a Kentucky stew. If you've never had burgoo, it's kind of like stone soup, in that everything on hand is combined into one pot. Often, each person will bring one ingredient to pitch in, but I don't think we'll be doing it that way in this case.

On top of that, we'll have a good home-cooked meal Wednesday night, and who knows what Friday, so by the time I get home Sunday, I should be plumped up quite nicely.

That means next week I'll have to work extra hard to get ready for the 5K to benefit First Choice Pregnancy Counseling Center, which is scheduled for next Saturday. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to complete it, I just don't want to kill myself in the process like I did last time.

This being the first year I've really hit the holiday season on a "diet," I finally understand the true significance of New Years resolutions: It's not to start off the new year with a new outlook on life, it's to try to work off all those extra pounds gained during the holiday season.

-- John Philleo is editor of the Times-Gazette. He can be reached at (931) 684-1200, ext. 218, or by e-mail at editor@t-g.com. This column is scheduled to print every Friday.