A mother's struggle with breastfeeding

Last week, my six-year-old Tessa and I talked some about the new baby we are expecting, and the discussion led to feeding.

She asked me if we were going to use bottles, and I told her I was hoping to breastfeed the baby and had tried with her, which didn't work out so well.

She knows cows and other animals produce milk to feed their babies, and she has seen a cow being milked but has never seen a human mother breastfeed.

I realized she had some misconceptions when she asked, "Do you just stick your booby in a bottle and squeeze the milk out?"

I explained the whole process to her, which she thought was disgusting. To be honest, I found it both hilarious and a little sad. Her whole view was funny, but I was sad she thought one of the most natural things in the world was gross.

When I was pregnant with Tessa, I read everything I could on breastfeeding. I knew all about the different positions, what to do with latch problems, how much easier it was than bottle feeding, etc. I didn't even have any bottles in the house because I was so gung ho on nursing.

I knew breastfeeding was best for the baby, that breastfed babies are healthier, happier and smarter. They have less ear infections, which many doctors theorize is because breastfeeding keeps the eustachian tubes functioning more effectively.

The literature also said breastfeeding is a bonding experience between a mother and a baby and can help a mother lose pregnancy weight faster. It all sounded really good to me, and I just knew I was going to breastfeed for at least a year, if not two as many health organizations recommend.

My plans didn't go quite as I anticipated. I developed pre-eclampsia, and the medicine they gave me kept me from producing anything to feed her. Believe me, I tried. I put her to the breast as often as possible and even rented a hospital grade pump to help me out. I felt like a cow hooked to milking machine. Nothing I did worked.

The more I tried, the more I cried. I can remember crying hysterically because I thought I was starving her. She was a small baby anyway and couldn't afford to lose any weight.

My husband, Brian, ran out and bought bottles and formula so we could feed her. At her first doctor's appointment, I cried about it to the pediatrician.

He said, "A happy and healthy mom makes a happy and healthy baby. Breastfeeding is best but not if it makes you miserable."

He is also the one who told me the pre-eclampsia medication can cause problems with breastfeeding. I wish someone else had mentioned it earlier because it would have saved me a lot of tears and feelings of failure.

Tessa did have a lot of ear infections her first year, and each time she did, I felt a little guilty because I thought it could have all been prevented if I had only been able to breastfeed. But, we had no problems at all bonding, especially during those late night feeding hours, when it was just she and I, the house quiet and dark. I fell in love with her tiny face as only a mother can.

And although I have nothing to compare it to, bottle feeding was easy for me. I just prepared the bottles ahead of time and took them with me when I needed to go somewhere. I also lost the baby weight pretty fast, too, and was back in my old clothes in less than a month.

I posted Tessa's remarks about breastfeeding on an Internet discussion board I visit, and I received a little flak for finding it funny. I even had one women comment not to have bottles or formula in the house and to not say I planned on trying to breastfeed but say I was going to do it.

That's what I did the last time, and while I think it's a good idea, I also know the pain it causes when you aren't able to do so and want to more than anything. I still think breastfeeding is best, but I also think formula feeding is viable option when a mom doesn't want to or can't breastfeed. It is best normally, but not if it makes the mom miserable.

No one should make a mother feel guilty about the choice she makes in feeding her baby, especially when they don't know if she struggled to try and couldn't.

With this baby, I'm going into it with an open mind, realizing he or she will be happy and healthy if I'm happy and healthy, even if that means formula feeding.

I just hope I don't gross Tessa out too much.

--Tamara Belinc is a staff writer. She can be reached at tbelinc@t-g.com.