It's (my) Official Read This Column Day

July 31 is Go Commando Day -- and it has nothing to do with the armed forces. For those of you with the good luck and grace to grow up in a household totally different from mine, "going commando" means going without, um ... undergarments. Of the brief and boxer kind. Normally, I wouldn't stoop low enough to put this in a column, even if it is good for a giggle, but when I read the article about it, it reminded me of something the boys said last year.

We were running late for school -- as usual -- and Buzz was complaining because he couldn't find any underwear. Ben, whose job it is to do the laundry and whose hobby it is to blow off his job, snapped at him.

"Just go commando!"

Buzz blinked, then rolled his eyes.

"Don't you know anything, Ben?" he asked. "Bel-Aire has Zero Tolerance. I can't bring toy guns to school!'

Now you know why we call him Mr. Literal.

At least once a year, I feel compelled to do a column about the many weird "Official National Days" there are out there. For example, Tuesday was Milk Chocolate Day and today is Lasagna Day. I was kind of surprised that this wasn't National Raise Your Cholesterol Week.

I didn't do a lot of research into why Monday was Barbie-in-a-Blender Day -- some things you just don't want to know.

Here's what we have to look forward to in August -- besides the Celebration.

On the serious side, August is American Indian Heritage Month, Cataract Awareness Month, National Immunization Awareness Month, National Water Quality Month, and American History Essay Month. With "back to school" imbedded on the inside of every parent's eyelids, it's also Get Ready for Kindergarten Month, Children's Eye Health and Safety Month and Children's Vision and Learning Month.

It's also National Panini Month and Golf Month ... so after you drop the kids off at the optometrist you can head for the links and stop by an Italian restaurant on the way.

One the less than serious side, I find it oddly appropriate that the first full week in August is not only National Fraud Awareness Week, it is National Clown Week. In fact, there seems to be a trend throughout August -- you can go straight from being a clown to being a psychic, to a hobo, an Elvis fan, a Mae West fan, participate in Weird Contest Week, and cap it all off with at the Huddle House for National Waffle Week at the end of the month. (Note to the fellows -- National Romance Week is Aug. 9-15, which has nothing to do with the National Assistance Dog Week being observed at the same time.)

Some of the daily observances in August make absolute sense, such as Watermelon Day (3) and National Toasted Marshmallow Day (30) . But whoever decided August should host both the National Chocolate Chip Day (4) and World Daffodil Day (21) is obviously, as we say, not from around here. Chocolate chips in the south in August are not chocolate chips -- they are sticky smears that belong on marshmallow and graham crackers (National S'Mores Day, 10). In August, in Tennessee, all daffodils are those tall spears of grass your children get yelled at for mowing over, and that's not on National Relaxation Day (15).

With the kids heading back to school and remembering how tough their teachers are, I think it's nice they picked Aug. 1 for Respect for Parents Day, but can someone please explain why they have both a Duran Duran Appreciation Day (10) and a Bad Poetry Day (18)? A little redundant, if you ask me ...

Aug. 8 is Sneak some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night, a day my father-in-law believes in observing from June 18 through Thanksgiving ...

And if they've designated August 22 as Hug Your Boss Day, should Aug. 23 be Sexual Harassment Day?

There are some serious observances here, days honoring the Navajo Code Talkers, the Air Force, the Coast Guard, assistance dogs and senior citizens. Global Forgiveness Day follows Women's Equality Day -- I guess so we can forgive everybody for the fact that we're still getting paid less than the guys ...

August is one of the few times a year we don't have government employees getting a paid day off, but it doesn't mean we don't recognize significant moments in history. On Aug. 23, we have a national day to remember the slave trade and its abolition; from Aug. 8 to 10, we remember Eleanor Roosevelt; and on Aug. 17, some other famous American comes to mind on The Meaning of "Is" Day.

Oh -- and for those of you who benefit from a genteel upbringing and are understandably upset by the Going Commando Day, never fear. Aug. 5 is National Underwear Day.

Mary Reeves is a Times-Gazette staff writer. She can be reached at mreeves@t-g.com.