Not the best side of pregnancy

Some would ask why not adopt, and while I think adoption is a wonderful thing and have looked into it, it's truly very expensive and not something everyone can afford. I would also be terrified that a birth mother would take back her child, and after already losing one baby, I don't think I could handle that. So, if I want children, I'm stuck going through the pregnancy process.

This is not to say I'm not extremely grateful for the miracle of this pregnancy and give thanks every day that Ella appears to be healthy and whole, but not everyone experiences the beautiful, glowing pregnancies many talk about. I am one of them. I just don't do pregnancy well at all.

It all started when I was pregnant with my six-year-old daughter, Tessa. I just knew I was going to love being pregnant with her, because we had tried so long and so hard to have her. I swore I wouldn't complain, and I didn't. But, man, was it hard to keep that promise.

I threw up every day for the entire pregnancy. I knew every parking lot between Tullahoma and Shelbyville intimately. Parking lots just seemed to be the places for me to lose my breakfast, lunch or dinner.

One night, about halfway through my pregnancy with Tessa, my husband Brian and I went out with our friends to Red Lobster in Tullahoma, one of my favorite places to eat. As we were walking through the parking lot, Brian pointed out a truck and talked about how ugly it was.

When we entered the restaurant and the smell of seafood overwhelmed me, my stomach rolled. I tried to eat, but it just wasn't working. I held in my nausea until everyone had finished eating. As we were leaving, Brian looked at me with a grin and said, "Why don't you puke on that ugly truck we saw when we came in?"

I just shook my head at him, but wouldn't you know it? The urge hit me just as we passed it, and I threw up right by the tire. I still wonder what the owners thought when they came out, and I'm sure all the restaurant patrons thought I was drunk as they were looking out the window because I wasn't completely showing yet.

I was hoping my second pregnancy would go better than my first, but of course, it didn't. It went much worse. Losing that baby so late in the game set me up to have a rough time, emotionally, this pregnancy.

I have been a tad luckier this time in regards to sickness. I haven't thrown up every day, although I do occasionally suffer from some nausea. It was much worse during the first trimester and tapered off a bit, until I was diagnosed with anemia. I was immediately put on iron pills, which messed my stomach up. I became intimately acquainted with another parking lot in Tullahoma the other day.

I went out for a late birthday lunch with one of my best friends. Halfway through the meal, I started feeling really queasy. I hated to cut it short, but I did not want to embarrass myself in the restaurant. I made it to the car, sat down in the seat and turned and threw up all over the parking lot. Not only did I vomit, I also wet all over myself. I was mortified. I drove away from there as fast as I could, crying the entire time.

Just a few days later, I joined my sister, sister-in-law and all of our children on a trip to the Discovery Science Center in Murfreesboro. We spent most of our time inside, but since it was a beautiful day, we decided to head out to their nature walk. It features a water spray that you can walk under without getting too wet. I had worn my flip-flops because my feet were swollen that morning. Flip-flops, wet pavement and a pregnant woman don't mix. I slipped and fell. Luckily, I put my hand out to catch myself so I didn't land too hard, but I wound up with a wet behind and legs. It was very uncomfortable as I had on jeans, and wet denim is very hard to walk around in. On the way home in my sister's car, I had to sit on my nephew's changing pad in order not to get her seat wet and dirty.

I don't glow, unless you count the redness around my nose and mouth because of pregnancy-induced rosacea. I can't bend over anymore due to the large belly in my way, and sleep is almost impossible because I can no longer lay on my belly.

When you add in the anxiety about whether your child is healthy, if your going to love this baby as much as others, if you can afford it, if...if...if...you can see why some women truly don't find it to be a great experience.

I can't tell you how much guilt I've felt over feeling this way, but maybe admitting it will help me. No one should feel guilty about not liking a process that makes you throw up a lot, get fatter and fatter as time goes on and culminates into one of the most painful experiences anyone has ever had to deal with. Of course, once they put that baby in your arms, most of the pain is forgotten.

Getting pregnant and staying pregnant is truly a miracle, but all the pains that go along with it aren't. I will be glad when November gets here, and Ella is safely in my arms. I will also be tickled to know that I never have to be pregnant again.