Hurtful words cut like a knife

A few weeks ago, I was eating lunch at a restaurant and overheard two women talking. They appeared to be in their early to mid-20s. One was clearly upset. I heard her ask her friend, "What is it about me? Why do they always break up with me?"

Her friend actually told her, "You're just not pretty or smart enough." And, then she added the clincher, "I'm only telling you this for your own good."

Now, I'll admit I don't know the whole back story, if there even is one. The first girl looked devastated that her friend said that. If a "friend" had said that to me, I would be crushed and wouldn't know what to do.

Do people really think they are doing someone a favor by being so mean? Did she really have her friend's best interest at heart? I left the restaurant wanting to give the first girl a big hug and the second girl a piece of my mind. Of course, I didn't.

Last week, I saw a story on the Internet about a costume for Halloween. It featured an alien mask and a prison jumpsuit, basically meaning the person wearing it was dressing as an "illegal alien." Some immigration officials and advocates were calling for the costumes to be removed because it was insensitive.

I saw a post on Facebook a little while later with someone commenting on it. They basically said they didn't care if the costume did hurt the feelings of someone who was here illegally. I didn't comment, but I wanted to. I wanted to say that it's never good to hurt someone's feelings.

Whatever happened to the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" How many people actually follow the Golden Rule anymore, "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Done Unto You."

I honestly try to follow these rules in my everyday life. I sometimes go out of my way to avoid confrontation, especially if I think it will hurt someone's feelings or make them mad. When I have been involved in a confrontational situation, I often sit and ponder what I've said and worry about whether I've hurt someone with my words, even when confronting them and saying something was the right thing to do. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I think it just makes me sensitive.

One of the things we are teaching our 6-year-old is not to be a bully. I don't want her to treat people meanly or to say things that will hurt their feelings. I've heard many parents say the same thing, yet I hear them say mean things to other adults. Don't they know they are just teaching their children that it's OK to be mean to others? Who cares if it's an adult they are talking to? If they are mean to them, they are bullies, plain and simple.

Other adults are sometimes even mean to little kids. I can remember in elementary school being in the 4-H Club and participating in the speech contest. I won for my school and moved onto the county contest. My mom and I sat in the audience, and we overheard one parent snickering about what another child was wearing and saying. I know the kid heard her because he started stammering and was bright red by the time he finished.

Honestly, I think one of the reasons so many kids are bullies or are being bullied is because they are mirroring their parents' behavior. If you don't want your child to be a bully, don't show them that behavior. I have never believed, "Do as I say, not as I do," is a good way to raise a child.

Words do hurt. We all know that, but I think some people around here are due for a lesson. Maybe someone needs to say something hurtful to them to remind them of how it feels to be humiliated or shamed or even broken-hearted because of something someone you care about says. Maybe people just don't think before they speak these days, or maybe they are just meaner. Or maybe I'm just overly sensitive these days. Either way, I think a good rule of thumb is to always think before you speak and put yourself in someone else's shoes for a minute.

-- Tamara Belinc is a freelance writer for the Times-Gazette.