McWaiting for family to clean up its act

Why Mom is on strike: a note to Husband and Sons

Ben ...

1. Just because I have a driver's license does not mean I am your chauffeur.

2. Just because I am your chauffeur does not mean you can blow off work early, walk to your favorite geek store and not come home until midnight while I am sitting in front of McDonald's McWaiting for you.

3. Just because I am sitting in McDonald's McWaiting for you does not mean I will spend that time reviewing your homework or retyping your college entrance essay on the laptop.

4. The proper response to "Now that you're finally home after walking from McDonald's to Geeks and home again while I sat outside of McDonald's McWaiting for you with nothing to read in the car, you can walk the dog" is not "Geez, Mom, I'm tired after walking all over town. Can't you do it?"

5. When I ask you to do something, you are not supposed to turn around and have your little brother do it, especially since your little brother is the king of patsies and will do anything anyone asks of him.

Buzz...

1. Stop doing everything your brother tells you to do.

2. When Mom is actually typing words (17,466 on the novel to date, one-third of the way there) on the computer screen, and not just playing Bouncing Balls on Facebook, it is not wise to interrupt her to tell her you figured out the latest cheat on Mario Cart.

3. It is also not wise to do that when Mom is on the as yet-to-be-conquered eighth level of Bouncing Balls.

4. When the pot of pasta is boiling over on the stove -- that's when it's a good idea to tell Mom to get her lazy backside off the chair and away from the computer. Mario -- not important. Burning kitchen and scalded cats -- very important.

5. No, the lolcat.com photo of the cat eating out of its own litterbox is not an appropriate screen saver. Are you sure you didn't get that from failblog?

Scott, my oldest and absent son ...

1. Remember your Mom is a Facebook friend and she sees you when you write those four-letter words ...

2. Call home.

3. Call home

4. Stop sneaking into Tullahoma without visiting us.

5. Call home

My husband, my darling, the light of my life...

1. Monday through Friday, your wife gets up early to walk the dog, get ready for work, and take the kids to school. Saturday and Sunday, she would really like to sleep past sunrise, which is hard to do when the bedroom door gets left open and she finds the romantic nuzzling and sandpaper manicure she was enjoying in her dreams is actually one slobbering dog and two carnivorous cats who have let it be known that they would not object to human flesh if the Nine Lives don't make to the bowl in time.

2. I know you are a wonderful gourmet cook, inventive and talented, and I have no problem heaping praise and thanks on your head for preparing 99 percent of our meals. But on the rare occasions I cook meals, even though my meals tend to come out of cans, boxes or paper bags with golden arches stamped on the side, a "Thank you" would be appreciated. A grunt, a nod, anything. I'm not picky, just pitiful.

3. I am not the only licensed driver in the house. Any offers to share chauffeuring duties would also be greatly appreciated. I'll even pay mileage to not have to get out at midnight to pick the McTeenager up.

4. I have no problem with your comments about beautiful women on TV -- as long as you let me watch Hugh Jackman in "Van Helsing" every time it comes on. Every. Time. That's about twice a day, I think ...

5. I don't like lima beans. Never have. Never will. Hiding them in Hoppin' John and drowning them in hot sauce is not going to change my mind.

I'll call the strike off soon -- as soon as I get my novel finished, as soon as one person in the household walks the dog without being told, and as soon as someone in the house can say "Thank you" besides me.

Thank you all for this opportunity to rant and rave and just remember -- there's a strike hovering in your own households, and could just be one car ride, one interruption, one forgotten "Thank you" away ...

-- Mary Reeves is a Times-Gazette staff writer.