Take these tales with a grain of salt

For example, researchers recently announced chocolate can lower your blood pressure -- and a Hershey's kiss can give you more of an emotion buzz than a real kiss.

Like I said -- duh.

The article reminded of another amazing, miraculous, brand new tidbit these so-called researchers (all of whom I assume are men) came out with a couple of years ago.

"Did you know," they asked, "That chicken soup can help fight the common cold?"

Umm.... yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. I had to wonder how much time and money they spent to find out what our grannies have been telling us for centuries? Of course, until they spent a billion dollars and justify their government grants, they have to be able to prove all this on charts and chromatographs and computer simulations -- otherwise, they're just old wives' tales, right?

Here are some other old wives tales, doc:

* You can drink a tea made of willow bark to cure a headache. Women probably got burned for witches for prescribing this evil potion in the Dark Ages, when the fact is, salicylic acid, the primary ingredient in basic aspirin, has been curing headaches for people on every continent that has willow trees since the beginning of civilization.

* People go crazy during the full moon. Well, they don't exactly sprout teeth and fangs, but studies have shown that people who have seizures tend to have more of them when the moon is full, and that both prison and mental institution inmates get more restless and aggressive then. Why? Nobody knows. Maybe we should ask the old wives ...

* Eat the bread crust, it's good for you! No, Granny wasn't just trying to keep down on the waste. Somehow, through years of handed-down lore, she knew what it took a gazillion dollars and three research grants for the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry to find out -- the crust of the bread actually contains eight times the antioxidants of any other part of the bread.

Of course, Granny, like fission-in-a-bottle physicists and mobster tomb opening reporters, has been known to be wrong. Some of her more classic goofs include:

* Chocolate will give you acne. Nope. Numerous studies have failed to show any connection between the two for years and in fact, there is little evidence to suggest that your diet affects acne at all.

* Wait an hour after eating before swimming. No, Mr. Phelps, you can finish your Wheaties. Doctors say swimming immediately after eating will not harm you in any way. In fact, many long distance Olympic swimmers buff up on carbs right before taking to the water. (However, it's probably not a good idea to jump in after smoking pot ...)

* Milk is good for an ulcer. Milk is actually the worst thing you can feed an ulcer. It stimulates the production of gastric acid, which will irritate your ulcer more.

Who knows, in another 10 years, we may find out that these doctors were wrong and Granny was right. Again.

Some other Duh news that caught my attention this week included a internet company in France that planned to hand cash out of a bus window to passersby as part of a promotion. When people actually showed up by the thousands -- after the event was heavily promoted -- they canceled. What did they think was going to happen?

"Hey, Jacques, let's go down and get some free money."

"Non, Pierre, I would rather sit here and watch the wine curdle around my escargot."

They were French, not stupid.

Then there was the guy who mugged a young woman and came back two hours later to ask her out. I sincerely hope that no woman is ever, ever that desperate ...

Of course, the news item that kicked off this whole train wreck of thought was one about the top nine high-stress, low-pay jobs. Just joking, I said to my co-worker Sadie Fowler, "Reporter better be on that list."

It was number four.

Duh.

Apparently, social workers held the number one spot, which didn't surprise me at all, followed by special events coordinator, which I can verify, having done that in my life as well.

Third was probation or parole officer, fourth reporter, fifth was music ministry director (Hey -- those choirs can get ugly on you, bud!), sixth was membership manager, seventh was fundraiser, eighth was commercial photographer (No, Mrs. Diller, I can't make you look like Heidi Klum!) and ninth was assisted living director.

I had to disagree with the poll though, and I'm not sure when they took it or where, but I'm betting they never ventured close to a school, hospital, military base, police department or fire hall when they were asking who had the most stressful jobs for the lowest pay. I wouldn't mind a few more dollars on my paycheck and few less special section deadlines to meet, but I'm not crazy enough to change jobs with a teacher, a nurse, a cop, a member of the military or a firefighter.

I will, however, give them standing ovations for doing what they do. It won't make their paychecks any bigger, but at least they'll know that we appreciate them.

And that's "no duh."

-- Mary Reeves is a Times-Gazette staff writer. She can be reached at mreeves@t-g.com.