It's whining time again: Toy ads control our brains

Back in 1955, Hasbro plopped that pipe-smoking, politically incorrect, cross-dressing spud in a television commercial and parents have been paying for it ever since. His TV spot, the first toy commercial ever, created more than an entirely new branch of the advertising industry -- it created a monster. Anyone with their own little monsters at home knows exactly what I'm talking about.

From Mr. Potato Head to Wii, we have been inundated for almost 60 years now with representatives of Madison Avenue pushing the latest Must Have into the brains of our children. We've had the classics, such as Barbie, the original queen of cougars (Ken and G.I. Joe came along later), who made her small screen debut in 1959, and the Wham-O Frisbee sailing into our sets a few years later, followed by the Rock-em-Sock-em Robots. We have had the crazes -- Cabbage Patch and Ty Beanie Babies. We've even had the hazardous (Lawn darts, anyone?) and the flops (Remember the truck-driving action hero CB McHaul? Nope, I didn't either.) ... the list is endless.

And so is the whining.

"I want that one," Buzz whined, after watching yet another Lego commercial featuring either Indiana Jones or Star Wars. Remember when you made your own inventions and creations with Legos instead of following a blueprint that only a Japanese engineer or a 10-year-old boy can figure out? Well, apparently things have changed and now Lego has jumped on the branding bandwagon. In a way, it's really cool -- we got the Hogwarts Castle for the boys several years ago and it actually lasted a couple of months before being reassembled into a Space Invading Death Ninja Robot Android Virus. The problem is, every time another *©, *® or â„¢ gets added to the Legosâ„¢ box, another dollar gets added to the cost of each tiny plastic building block.

"Do you think he'd notice if I got him the generic blocks and drew the designs on them with a Sharpie*®?" I asked my husband.

"Since the generic brand doesn't have a tiny building block shaped like an Ewok*©, yeah, I think he'd notice."

The whining is not confined to the 10-year-old, either.

"I want that one," whined the 17-year-old.

Unfortunately, we were watching an Audi commercial at the time.

Even dragging ourselves away from the commercials and into regular programming, we're not safe. Watching a music video, the teenager again said, "I want that one ...."

For a minute, I was afraid he was talking about the girl dancing in the hula skirt. Then I was really afraid he was talking about the big burly, fire-breather behind her ...

It only got worse. He was talking about the ukulele.

"I want that one," he whined again.

"Why?" I asked. "Are the base guitar, the electric guitar, the acoustic guitar and the electronic keyboard collecting dust in the back of your closet getting lonely?"

Of course, the husband is just as bad.

"I want that," he whined. The television screen held a flashing credit score of 800.

The timing of these commercials is critical. They've already started amping up and even at 4 a.m., I'm getting pitches for video games, dolls, and enough action figures to stage my own invasion. By the time Christmas rolls around, I may be waiting for Santa on that the door with a rolling pin in my hand. A stainless steel, water-filled, stick-proof rolling pin from Sharper Image, $39.99.

They passed a law a couple of years ago about promoting tie-in toys. You weren't allowed to advertise Pokémon toys during the Pokémon cartoon or the Bratz toys during the Bratz cartoon. Personally, I'd like to see this concept taken over to other areas, not just toy advertising. Stop showing pizza commercials on the exercise channel, you vicious sadists, you.

It was a nice idea, but pointless -- these people do their research and they know what shows their market is watching. They advertise Dragonball Z during Pokémon and Pokémon during Dragonball Z. You can find the Bratz commercials during Hannah Montana and the EZ Bake over on the Food Network. Seriously.

If the parents against brainwashing and whining children really want to make a difference, they should make the companies advertise Bratz during the GI Joe cartoon, the Pokémon during Gossip Girl, and the Easy Bake over on WWF.

Or -- the parents could turn the television off and go outside instead. I was really disappointed in Hasbro (yes, oh vile originators of this entire phenomenon.) Besides promoting their board games, which I wholeheartedly endorse, they promote the Wii versions. So instead of the family sitting around the table, looking at each other, they are all perched on a couch staring at the television. My, what a novel concept. Instead of matching their one race car around the Monopoly board, they twitch a finger to move Mr. Moneybags around the screen. I guess having to draw your own Chance card was just too much effort ...

A touch of hypocrisy here, though. I do play Monopoly online, but only when they guys aren't around to trounce me. And I do play Scrabble online -- only because the guys won't let me trounce them anymore. (I really, really, really miss my mom and oldest brother when it comes to Scrabble ). But I'd rather sit at the dining room table and set up a Mousetrap with my boys than get the seven-letter triple word play with "quizzing" by myself. (And before my fellow Scrabblers blow an artery, I'd use a blank for the second Z. Sheesh.)

The only problem is finding the time to get them all together to play.

We were watching yet another Hasbro Game Night commercial on TV, one where the whole family gathered around the dining room table for an evening full of fun.

"I want that," I whined.

-- Mary Reeves is a Times-Gazette staff writer.