Keeping it real for kiddies

I had to laugh when I overheard my coworker John Carney asking of they really have made a doll that not only wets, but, umm, performs the other function as well.

"Do they really make a doll that .." he asked, incredulous.

"Yes," I giggled. "They doo."

It's not really the grossest toy I've seen come down the line -- I have boys, remember? -- but I think they've missed a golden opportunity here. With the exploding rate of teen pregnancy these days, they should make a baby doll that not only does number one and two, it should smell like number one and two. And spit-up and dirt, and the baby should cry all the time. They can follow it up with toddler doll that destroys all things breakable and repeats embarrassing four-letter words in the middle of church.

If they made every little girl who longs for a baby take one of these dolls, they could cut back on those teen pregnancies -- a lot.

But why stop with dolls, if we want our toys to teach kids the realities of life? And no, I'm not talking about sex. Here are some of my suggestions for Real Life Toys (my own brand.)

Real Life Toys

* Big Wheels Repo Shop. Let the kid have a nice, shiny new Big Wheel, but let him know that if he doesn't make his payments (chores, eating green beans, whatever), some guy with a clipboard and overalls will show up and tow it back to Walmart.

* Barbie's Malibu house: Place the plastic home on a cantilevered foundation hanging over a small cliff, then let the hose run around the foundation for couple of days. You can combine this with a science lesson on the effects of over development and erosion, as well as a financial lesson on "Why your insurance payments were higher than your house payments." Make sure all of Barbie's overpriced clothing is inside before the house slides into the creek.

* HealthWealth! A board game like The Game of Life, this adventurous trip through Medicare, TennCare and bankruptcy is fun for all ages, especially since the rules -- which change daily -- aren't understood by anyone, least of all the makers of the game.

* Workopoly: Another board game, this one based on the workplace. Girls start out with less money and only get to take one turn for every two the boys take. Gnash your teeth in frustration as the new guy with the ink still wet on his college diploma displaces the guy who's been there for 30 years because the new guy is a lot cheaper. Rant and rave as you watch your paycheck disappear into black holes of taxes and health insurance. (You might get some of it back if you win at HealthWealth, but I wouldn't bank on it.) Keep playing the game, though -- the harder you try and the longer you play, the less time you have to enjoy all the other toys Santa brought you. You know, the ones that are actually fun ...

* Piggy bank: This one is great! It's a combination of an old mechanical bank toy and a magic act. Dump all of your change into the bank and watch it disappear -- especially when you want to get some out. A tiny sign pops up and says "If you want your money, your going to have to put in more. A Lot More. And even then, you may not get your money back." Those banks are shaped like pigs for a reason, you know.

* Hide-n-Seek: This is the internet version, where you try to hide your credit info, your privacy and your children from online predators. Good luck. The game is $49.99. The "cheat" that lets you defeat the viruses and pedophiles is $1,499.99.

Toy Hall of Fame

Speaking of the old pedal-powered Big Wheel, it just got admitted to the Toy Hall of Fame. I think that's great! An antique, no doubt, since kids today seem to prefer powered rides that require no muscle action at all. At the other end of the spectrum, unless you're looking for well-muscled thumbs, the GameBoy was also admitted to the hallowed halls of Toydom.

So was the ball.

Not the superball or the Powerball (my favorite toy and exercise in fruitless expense) or the Magic 8 Ball. Just a plain old ball.

Remember those? Bouncing them for fun? Were times simpler then, or were we?

Other similar previous entry to the Toy Hall of Fame include: Alphabet blocks, the jump rope, the cardboard box and the stick. I love it! Even though the hall of fame voters also included things such as G. I Joe and Barbie, Atari and the Easy-Bake Oven, they remember what many of us forget. Toys don't always have to be about creating little grown ups out of little kids.

I think what the makers of the doo doo dolly are missing is that the point of being children is they shouldn't have to deal with being grown ups yet. Let them find out later that poop stinks. Right now, just let them bounce a ball, jump a rope, turn a box into a castle, or cuddle a sweet, pretty, and dry baby doll.