Start a new trend: Out with meanness; in with kindness, understanding

Can you get more true than that?

We all get outraged when we hear about those mean people -- always someone we don't know or don't like. We are offended, but not really surprised, when those mean people we don't know or don't like expose their meanness for the world to see.

But what do you do when one of those mean people is someone you do know and someone you do love?

In our police log last week, we reported some teenage vandals who had been turned in by their parents and I jumped up with everyone else and said "Good job! Good parents!" Maybe a tiny, self-righteous part of me even agreed with the ones who indicated that if they really had been good parents, their kids wouldn't be vandals, but that's not true. Even good kids make bad mistakes and even nice people can say mean things. The difference is how and if they take responsibility for the bad mistakes and mean things.

I'm having to deal with that right now. Someone I know and love hurt someone else I know and love. He lied about it and hid it, but truth, like dirty laundry, will eventually make itself known. So now, I have to show him how to pick up the pieces and make amends.

The flip side of "mean" is "grace," in my opinion, and there is very little gray area in between, usually called "expedience." When did we as a nation fall from grace and into mean? It shows up in so many places, in so many ways. I can remember as a child hating the Don Rickles show because he was so mean in his comedy. Today, I don't like Dennis Miller for the same reason. We thought Beaver was charming, Donna Reed made housekeeping wholesomeness sexy, and everybody loved the Waltons.

Now, we have reality TV, where meanness is applauded and awarded. We hear Gordon Ramsey shriek bad language at some poor flunky, not Julia Child chortle as she drops an egg on the floor. Giving someone the finger is funny, giving them a hand up is corny. Meanness is cool and kindness is passe -- a sign of being weak.

How can we be surprised when someone we loves does something mean? It's imbedded in our culture.

When people disagree these days, it ends with obscene gestures, ugly, hurtful words, if not lawsuits or legislation. What happened to "live and let live" or "turning the other cheek?"

There was a funny skit on Carol Burnett once. You hear the screech of a car offstage and two men enter. They are furious and shout threats, each blaming each other or the accident. In the next scene, you hear another car crash. This time, two women enter. They are apologizing to each other, asking if they are alright, each taking the blame for the accident, then, after admiring each other's shoes, they head of to a sale at Macy's. It was funny, if not a little stereotypical, and it must have had some sort of impact on me, since I've remembered it clearly for more than 30 years. I can even tell you what color skirt Vicki Lawrence was wearing in the skit.

The skit was done to point out the difference between men and women, but keep it also illustrates the blame factor. Some people are willing to admit fault and accept blame, and some would rather exchange blows than admit they were wrong. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to be one of the latter, and it's a battle I fight every day. It's a battle my erring loved one will also have to battle, and soon.

I don't have any answers. If I did, I'd be a rich woman -- and probably neglect my kids and get as mean as Leona Helmsley. The only thing I can do is try to set the example and pray my loved ones can follow it.