Opposable thumbs for critters earns a big thumbs down

Wednesday, for the 99.99 percent of you who weren't aware of it, was National What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day.

This is probably my favorite of the silly "holidays" listed out there, simply because my cats don't need opposable thumbs. Brains, yes. Thumbs, no. They know how to open cabinet doors, they know how to sneak the empty can of tuna out of the bottom of the full garbage can (kitty version of stealing the prize from the bottom of the cereal box, I guess) and they know how to navigate the entire house at top speed without ever hitting the floor. (They can, however, hit the potted plants, the china teapot and the family photographs as often as it takes to send them to their splintery demise below.)

The idea of giving the Harum and Scarum twins opposable thumbs is the stuff of nightmares. They would be able to conquer all the mysteries of human living, such as can openers, door knobs and e-mail -- all the knowledge felines need to rule the world.

The dog, on the other hand, being a dog, might be trainable. With thumbs, he could feed the cats, pick up his own "accidents" and give massages to his loving people. No, wait, that's the cats' job. They're pretty good at it, too. I just wish they'd make their masseuse appointments before 3 a.m., and I wish they'd trim their nails before they did it.

If the dog had thumbs, he could get his own tennis ball out from under the couch instead of making me get up and do it, usually right after I'm all relaxed from my 3 a.m. cat massage.

Somebody tell me again why we have pets?

Oh, right, They're supposed to lower our blood pressure and provide companionship...

Right in the middle of writing this column, I had to leave and go out to Arnold Air Force Base and watch a bunch of politicians fire semi-automatic weapons. They not only got through the day without shooting each other, they didn't even shoot themselves in the foot, at least not within hearing distance of my press badge.

Then I came home and found out a friend of mine had gotten her left calf torn open by one of her own dogs. I'm assuming it was an accident. I'm hoping it was an accident.

Then I found my idiot canine trying to figure out how to get his tennis ball from the other side of a glass door. That was open.

No, I don't think opposable thumbs are a good idea for dogs. Can you imagine a clumsy, stupid critter like that handling semi-automatic weapons?

And no, anti-gun and NRA folks, this is not an open bid for verbal warfare. I'm talking about dogs, not people. I would also be terrified of clumsy idiot dogs with opposable thumbs driving cars, voting, or figuring out to surf the web. I already get enough spam from the sites my kids visit, I don't need 23 emails from Alpo, The Animal Channel, or the Kennel Konnection Dating service. (You big collie boy, I got lovely poodle just for you, ooh-la-la.)

Maybe cats would be alright with the thumbs. Face it, they're cats. Conquering the world would require much more effort than raiding the cat food cabinet and why bother? They've already got us waiting on them hand and foot. Er, paw. Paws without opposable thumbs.