Teen driver's mom to son: Do as I say, not as I did at your age

Due to circumstances completely within my control, Ben is only now, at 18, learning how to drive. Part of it was financial -- having two teen drivers on the insurance at the same time was enough to force me to choose between feeding my children and buying books.

Naturally, the books. Food just disappears -- bad investment.

Then there was the fact that we're a one-car family -- why pay the insurance when he doesn't have anything to drive anyway? Of coursed we do have a 1974 VW Microbus (FOR SALE!!!!) and an old Ford F-10 (also FOR SALE) in the driveway, but I won't count them until I see them move under their own power.

But the real, deep down reason I didn't let Ben get his permit is completely selfish. When his older brother got his license, he went from being the quiet, funny kid who hangs around the house all the time to being that quiet, funny stranger who has been known to stop by and visit on holidays and whenever he needs money.

Ben has been such a help to me over the past few years, after Scott moved out of his mother's life ... I mean house ... I was afraid I'd lose him to the irresistible lure for cruising from one Sonic to the other all night long.

I was the same way. When I got my first car -- a dirt-brown 1972 Ford Pinto (Booyah! Can we say inferno on wheels?) I made it a point to never be seen at home again.

Unless it was a holiday or I needed money.

But then again, I'd been doing that since I got my first pony, at least in dry weather.

But it was time to stop being selfish. Ben needed to learn how to drive. It was important for his self-esteem, his sense of independence, and his ability to run to the store at 11 a.m. because his mom is out of Diet Cokes.

See? Completely unselfish motive.

But I forgot that getting the permit is only the beginning. You then have to actually teach the child how to drive. It's been five years since I've suffered through that particular nightmare, and time has a nasty way of erasing important memories.

First lesson

Here's a transcript of our first lesson.

BEN: Awesome! I get to drive. Now -- explain to me what everything is. Which one is the brake?

MOM: The important one. No, no, no, no .... Don't use both feet at the same time. Don't ever use your left foot. Ever. Ever.

MOM: Slow down.

(The idea of teaching him a stick shift is beyond my feeble imagination.)

BEN: Can we cruise the Sonic now?

MOM: Maybe ... once you get the car back on the highway and out of the ditch.

MOM: Slow down.

MOM: Put your turn signal on. No, honey, the turn signal. The other drivers don't know that the windshield wipers mean you're making a left turn.

BEN: (Approaching a residential area) What's the speed limit?

MOM: 30

MOM: Slow down.

BEN: (Approaching a school) What's the speed limit?

MOM: 15

MOM: Slow down.

BEN: (Approaching a very busy, crowded, fast highway) What's the speed limit?

MOM: Would you believe me if I said 10?

MOM: Slow down!