Can you hear me now? No? Let's keep it that way

Especially now that I'm carrying one myself.

I think they're responsible for all kinds of injuries, from car collisions because it was far more important to hear what Sally was wearing at the bridesmaids' luncheon than keeping eyes and mind on the road, to carpal tunnel syndrome because the same teenagers who respond to every real life question with "Huh?" are texting the equivalent of "War and Peace" at warp speed.

Ben bought himself a Blackberry and has only proved me right. He flops down on the couch and plays with the phone, holding it over his head until he literally falls asleep with it still in his hands, still overhead. He woke up one morning with a knot on his forehead because he'd dropped it and it clunked him right between the eyes.

"You wouldn't think something that small could hurt so much..." he uttered.

I thought about 6-pound babies and 13 hours of labor and just smiled.

"Wait until you get your first kidney stone," I told him.

Another morning, I heard a horrific crash and found him sprawled, all knees and elbows, on the floor beside the couch. This time, he'd fallen asleep with the phone perched on his face. A friend had texted him and it vibrated his eyes open until he panicked and fell off.

See? Dangerous things, cell phones. Almost as dangerous as teenagers.

I'm sure there's a parent somewhere who ought to think legislation should be passed to protect our children from plummeting Blackberries, but it's not me. I figure, if he can't learn from experience, he deserves the knot in his head.

Legislating to protect our children is always a touchy subject. Where do you draw the line between federal interference and common sense?

For instance, I'm a big believer in the seat belt law, although I'll occasionally forget to buckle up until one of the kids reminds me. But at the same time, I read a statistic on a government web site the other day that said you are three times more likely to be hit by a cell phone driver than a drunk driver, and yet that's still legal.

It's one thing to pass laws to protect my kids from others, but if I had to pass laws to protect my children from themselves, I'd be a busy legislator.

1. It is illegal to text and sleep at the same time.

2. Placing small foreign objects in one's nose is against that law and shall be made punishable by public humiliation.

3. You are required by Mom's Law to notify her at least one minute prior to saying "Watch this!" because "Watch this!" is usually followed by "Ooops" or "Ouch." One minute allows said Mom time to 1) evaluate the situation, 2) remove the props for the proposed stunt, and 3) dial 911.

4. It is illegal to even think of small furry animals and electric appliances at the same time.

5. You are required to write a 500-word essay hypothesizing what would really happen if you jumped off the roof with an parachute made of bedsheets before actually attempting it. In this particular case, the 1-minute Mom Law is extended to 15 minutes to give her time to get you off the roof and to recover from her heart attack.

No, as hard as our lawmakers try, you just can't legislate common sense. You can try, of course, but then you run into all kinds of nightmares, not to mention expenses.

Remember last month when that supermodel said it should be a world-wide law that woman have to breastfeed their babies for the first six months. Of course, I don't think she really meant it -- the only law that is recognized universally is Murphy's. It's obviously a good thing to breastfeed, in most cases it's much healthier and helps mother and child bond, but can you imagine trying to enforce this law? You'd have to have a separate government office just to determine exceptions -- obviously adoptive moms, sick moms, and moms like me who would rather chew glass than ever face a breast pump again.

Of course, I'm sure there would be plenty of volunteers to help police this law. How many teenage boys would sign up for Mammary Patrol?

"Excuse me ma'am, but I need to see you feed your child, just to make sure you're in compliance."

Then someone would decide this was bad for the teenage boys and come up with a law to protect them ...