Bedford Ramblings
Steve Mills

Domestic violence. Does our community have more than normal?

Posted Tuesday, September 29, 2015, at 11:15 AM
View 27 comments
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  • Thank you for posting this. Maybe as a community we can address this issue and come up with ideas to curb it.

    -- Posted by beau maverick on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 12:28 PM
  • Welcome.

    I grew up in a family atmosphere that frowned upon fighting. I can't say we never got into a scuffle but we would have hurt a lot more when we got home had we started something or were judged to be responsible for the fight. Hitting a female or talking back to my elders would have earned me even more discomfort.

    So where does domestic violence come from? Does it matter if I left school at 16 or graduated from college? Does it matter if my finances are good or if I am about to be homeless?

    Alcohol/drugs make a person lose control, but I have had a few more drinks than I should have and I did not feel like I needed to beat the crap out of someone. I have been frustrated as h*** but there was no need to take it out on someone else, so where does it come from?

    -- Posted by stevemills on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 1:39 PM
  • Education can be a huge help. Education about domestic violence needs to start in schools. Children need to understand that it's not okay to hit one another. Once the kids understand it and believe it, then you can end the endless abuse cycle. I grew up in a violent home. I was the punching bag. Even though it is not quite domestic violence. It did eventually turn into it once I became an adult. I was afraid to speak up against my parents. But after my children witnessed an event, it fired me up and gave me the courage to stand up. It was very scary being alone and homeless. But I got through it. It wasn't easy, but the experiences that I had taught me to not take life for granted. There are plenty of organizations that are there to help those who are wanting to get away from the violence and have a voice to speak up.

    -- Posted by NikkiD on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 3:10 PM
  • If you were the "punching bag" NikkiD I would think it was domestic violence, but maybe with a different name.

    Since you contributed here, maybe you can help u understand what paralyzes one from speaking up. Is it fear that no one will take it seriously and get you out there? I can imagine that it could be very dangerous the very first time someone speaks up.

    I am not sure how to give someone a second chance if they are abusing someone in the privacy of their own home. With no one around, it would seem the violence gets worse.

    Do you know of any local organizations? (Bedford County)

    -- Posted by stevemills on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 4:18 PM
  • People don't speak out because of both reasons. When you are trapped in a situation where there is abuse, you are often cut off from other people and money. You are also mentally broken. You tend to look around and don't see a way out. You are scared that the abuser will find you and it will make the situation worse. And there are plenty of people who will look the other way and consider it not to be their problem. Just like child abuse, people don't take it seriously. They consider it as a "different way of parenting".

    I am not for one for second chances anymore. But when you are in the situation, you are not thinking clearly. You don't see what others see. You only see what, I guess you can say are programmed to see by the abuser. I went through that and looking back, I can't believe that I stayed and endured it as long as I did. It's shameful and embarrassing. But it is an experience that I can use to help others. Not everyone's experience is like mine. There are some who escape and never have to deal with their abusers again. Mine, followed me and continue to stalk me but they do it in ways that the law can't touch them.

    I don't know of any local organizations in Bedford since my experience was in Rutherford. But Domestic Violence should be in every county. They have shelters and ways to hide those who are in extreme danger. And they will help you in getting restraining orders, food, money, or other things that you may need when you decide to make the call to survive.

    -- Posted by NikkiD on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 5:05 PM
  • My apologies for your situation. I take these matters very seriously as I've seen people who are way out of control.Making threats,creating situations of violence and always justifying the action.Much like a situation where a person got mad at one of my animals for crossing the line.The individual chased it to the corner attempting to hit and hurt the animal.I saw this and went outside to diffuse it.He started yelling profanity, threatening me then went to run away when I called his bluff.The individual then raised the stick at me where I reached in my pocket for my phone to get a picture of them.He tried swinging at me because they thought I had a gun.i yelled at them and they went back into the house. The incident wouldn't have happened if the law would've taken their behavior seriously earlier.Making threats at people,attempting to poison animals,trying to shoot onto my side and playing victim when the law is called.I feel so much of this problem will lower itself by education, intervention, taking complaints seriously and consequences for violent actions.I may come off rash,but I'll come to the aid of anyone being attacked or beaten.

    -- Posted by beau maverick on Tue, Sep 29, 2015, at 8:33 PM
  • Bedford County does have an organization that helps domestic and sexual violence victims, it is the Haven of Hope. Their hot-line number is 1-800-435-7739 and local office number is 931-680-3005.

    -- Posted by kgilb on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 10:24 AM
  • kgilb, I am sure it is a scary first step to call. Do you know someone who might come on here and discuss what takes place, what protections might be available, etc.

    -- Posted by stevemills on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 10:53 AM
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    beau maverick,

    You stated: "I feel so much of this problem will lower itself by education, intervention, taking complaints seriously and consequences for violent actions."

    How do you explain all the education and warnings that teach "DO NOT take guns or knives to school?" All that did was encourage kids to take a gun or knife to school to show it off or in some cases to protect themselves from bullies who were bringing guns or knives to school.

    What about the student who drove his dad's car to school that had a tackle box in the trunk that had a fish scaling knife in it. He got expelled. WHY? Well because SCHOOLS USURP Power they do not have.

    What does the schools do about bullies? They punish the child being bullied and let the bully go without any punishment.

    Some schools take the law into their own hands and punish children for what they do at their own home or in their private life, like forbidding the child to go to their Prom with his or her classmates because they were arrested for driving without a seat belt or even drinking and driving.

    The schools are stepping over their power legislated to them by ????? It wasn't congress nor the people! Ignorance of the law is no excuse so when the schools deny your child their rights you need to sue the schools.

    The schools get money from property taxes which is a violation against the Tennessee State Constitution, from the Tennessee Lottery Scams, Fund raising programs and parents having to buy supplies for the school even if their child doesn't use them and even damaged property (science flasks, etc) before any are broken.

    So I believe the schools can afford to be sued or they need to control their usurpation over students. Making students wear a certain uniform is dictatorship. It violates your child's freedom of speech and yours as well, not to mention the extra expenses placed on the parents.

    What about the leash laws for dogs in public? I don't have a dog because I don't want people coming to me telling me my dog got in their garbage can and scattered the trash. So why would I want your dog in on my property? If I have to keep my dog pinned up, so should everyone else.

    One Billy Bob Yeahoo, who done bulldozer work for a living brought his dog to work with him. His dog killed one of my baby kittens. When he saw me trying my best to kill the dog he called his dog back and told it to get in his truck.

    He informed me that his dog had never seen a kitten, so it didn't know what it was. Why in God's name do Yea Bobs feel like they need to bring their dogs with them everywhere they go. Are those macho men afraid someone is going to pick on them if they don't have their big bad dogs with them? And why aren't they arrested for letting their dogs ride in the back of a pick up truck where they can and some do Fall Out.

    Don't Dog Lives matter? You bet it does! Hurt one and see what the courts do to you. You would be better off hitting someone with your car.

    No, education doesn't work, UNLESS you want to learn. Education is just a reminder of what you did or could do wrong. It's like no one wants to listen.

    Don't we have education about wearing seat belts? Yet many people won't wear them even when they know they will be arrested if caught. Same with drinking and driving.

    "This is your brain on drugs!" Go Slogan, but Look at all the brain dead people walking around like the walking dead.

    Wife beaters, How many times does a wife beater say he's sorry? How many people have been arrested or sued because they tried to help a woman from being beaten by her husband who they love and get mad as hell at you for hurting their loving wife beater?

    Things happen and you just can't stop it all. Intervention might help in some cases (but only when the victim or people involved are ready to be helped).

    Look at the women who did seek help and got restraining orders and died because someone slit their throat or shot her because the cops would come to help her when she called and begged them to save her, or the case where the authorities took so long processing a permit to get a gun for self defense that the woman got murdered before she could get a gun LEGALLY!

    -- Posted by sui on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 3:46 PM
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    You're right, sui , ALL lives matter.

    -- Posted by fair share on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 6:10 PM
  • sui, kids will mimic what they see their examples do. When they are a witness to their parents committing crimes, preaching negativity, racism, what have you, they will most likely share the same views. The recent theme of guns and knives being taken to school is for attention. The media feeds on the negative acts and will publicize it and turn the criminals into celebrities. Stop giving attention to these people and you will see some of it drop. Bullies have been around forever. But it is just another topic that is not taken seriously. Some parents see it as "kids will be kids" or "boys will be boys". The whole stick and stones theory no longer work. And you are right, schools will turn their heads and blame the victims. We've been there and have taken the steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. But in order to make the schools deal with the bullying situation, you have to make the parents of the brats deal with the situation and own up to their problems. You have to make the parents responsible since it is their child and their responsibility to raise their own children. The complaining about prom and so on are considered to be privileges. Dances and extracurricular activities are extras, they are not necessary to get an education.

    Having pets, children, weapons, cars, and so on are all forms of responsibility. There are laws for leashes and protecting weapons, et cetera because of irresponsible people. The only people who suffer are law abiding citizens. Most of the laws are common sense. But it is sadly not so common anymore.

    Guns aren't always the answer. Even though all of the horrific events that I have been through, I still do not own a gun for several personal reasons. If it was not for the Rutherford Sheriff's office, I would have to say that I would not be here right now. They saved me and my children. If I did have a weapon, it would cause more harm than good.

    Victims of abuse, as I stated above, cannot see clearly. They are scared to speak out and sometimes to seek help. You cannot judge any of the situations unless you have been in one. And then you can really only judge yours.

    -- Posted by NikkiD on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 7:56 PM
  • *

    You are right NikkiD. As a man I have never experienced abuse from my partner and would never hit my wife except when I climb in bed and accidentally elbow her.

    I have known a couple boys who I would have to say were demon possessed. They had a mind of their own and their parents couldn't make them do anything. Rare cases I'm sure.

    A lot of parents may make the wrong impression on their children but not all, and many teach the wrong things and many just don't give a dam.

    My wife stayed home with our children while I worked so we would have control over our children.

    Our children was given love by us and not some nanny while we both worked.

    Today that may be impossible for many couples. Both parents have to work today to pay the bills, etc..

    I raised 6 children so I did not want a gun around the house for fear one of them may get hurt or hurt another. Who needs a gun to keep people away when you have 6 kids, LOL?

    I told my children to go to school and learn what they could and I would teach them Common Sense that the schools don't teach. I also had to teach them how to read a ruler.

    -- Posted by sui on Wed, Sep 30, 2015, at 11:35 PM
  • I teach an Anger Management group once per week here in Bedford County for those requesting assistance as well as those who are required to attend through the courts. Each person is individually assessed in order to determine need. It has been my experience over the past 10 years of doing this, that the consumption of Alcohol by one or both parties plays a huge role in domestic violence cases, with the use of Methamphetamine running a very close second. It does appear that the number of domestic violence cases are on the increase.

    -- Posted by Tim Lokey on Fri, Oct 2, 2015, at 11:32 AM
  • I use to think all people who were abused were victims. You ever have a life altering experience with someone that "claims" to be the victim and then you find out they are the bully? For years I thought she was abused, then I find out she is just telling tales and our court system including CASA, DCS encouraged her to lie. Talk about playing the system. It has destroyed my faith in the judicial system. I believe an order of protection should be counted both ways. It is not in Bedford County. I had a counselor tell me one time "A domestic violence victim will have the crap beat out of them an average of 6 times before they walk away or they die". I cannot make justification why anyone wants to hurt another person. If they hit you it does not mean they love you. I am sure these people did not set out to be abused or to become an abuser, but when children grow up seeing all these thing, sometimes they react just like their parents did with all the cussing and physical fighting. They believe it is "normal" to be cussed and abused. Then the kids grow up and are abusers, bully's and victims. I do believe drugs and alcohol play into the violence. Prescription drug abuse is running rampant but is totally accepted by the court system. If only education would fix all their problems. Life is all about choices. Some people you just can't help. They are to busy destroying their own life and playing the victim. Tim Lokey you are one in a million and I think everyone knows what a precious person you are. You try to help everyone that comes to you seeking help. I thank you for that.

    -- Posted by Union on Sat, Oct 3, 2015, at 10:01 AM
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    When it comes to Abuse, there is no NORMAL in which to judge by!

    -- Posted by sui on Sat, Oct 3, 2015, at 6:18 PM
  • First of all, I think one has to define what "abuse" is. Point being, that like any problem, earlier intervention is likely to be more effective. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

    My experience with abuse has been that, more than anything, it is a struggle of wills, often over money, with one demanding they get their way over others. The problem is a lack of humility, compassion for others, willingness to compromise, and refusal to forgive trespasses. This leads to verbal and psychological "abuse" which then degrades into physical abuse.

    Drugs and alcohol help to harden the heart and "I am right" attitude, increases financial burdens, and clouds the judgment of the user(s).

    These issues are fundamental morality issues that are taught and learned, every day. As history has shown, we can not legislate morality.

    -- Posted by Liveforlight on Sun, Oct 4, 2015, at 9:59 AM
  • Excellent posts and I am pleased to say that I agree with everything that is on topic.

    So what is done if someone calls law enforcement and says, my (fill in the space) is threatening me or beat me?

    Anyone know the type questions asked and what the next step would be?

    I know (and agree) that MUCH needs to be done with the early childhood development and experiences, but what can a person do and what will they experience from law enforcement if they are reading this blog post and going through that NOW?

    -- Posted by stevemills on Sun, Oct 4, 2015, at 11:04 AM
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    Okay! let's get DEEP!

    I only have a 12 grade education or I should say that is the last year I let someone teach me in person. I took it upon myself to learn the important things like Life.

    Think about it for a minute. Times up! You were taught history in school. It took a lot to remember all those wars and struggles and meetings names of Presidents and when they served and what they did for the country, just to find out you have been taught the wrong History. What? What happened. I thought I knew what happened way back when and now the educators are telling us all that stuff never happened that way. What a waste of years that was!

    What about Mathematics or Arithmetic? Same holds true for Math also. I don't even think they call it Arithmetic or math today. It shouldn't be anyway. I have no idea what the students are being taught instead of Math. It's like some alien came down to Earth and started a Math class with an alien language.

    I have found it is much better to teach yourself what you want to know..

    With that in mind here it how it works:

    Assuming that a man and a woman once loved each other before they got married and had children, each one has to stop and figure out if they still love that partner or if they both have destroyed their life as one.

    If you love your spouse you will want to give her or him want hey want to be happy. We only get one life to live and we should live it the best and most enjoyable way we can. If you love your spouse let them go so they can live a few happy final years.

    Can you do that or is it a matter of possession? What is yours you keep? That is slavery. Do you want a loving spouse or a slave?

    Then you have you made a fool out of me! Once you learn this, it's time to move on and live your life the best you know how. Being angry and revengeful will only make your life miserable. They will be free and you will be in jail.

    Or you gave the best years of your life! Get over it. He or she doesn't want that life any more and wants to move on. Make the most of it by moving on and starting over again. Most of the time it works out for the best after you get over the shock. It's better to move on than continue living in Hell.

    To abuse a spouse isn't going to make you stronger or more powerful. It will only bring you down in the long run.

    Now let me get into the meat of the problem;

    Every time you call he cops, you are making a record that can be used against you in court. You are telling the court that you can not handle your marriage any more and want the court to step in and do something. You just gave the court the right to do anything it wants to. It can now arrest you, or your spouse! The court can now remove your children from both you and your spouse and their grand parents. That wasn't what you were looking to happen. Sorry. No instructions came with your marriage. You can only learn this after it's too late.

    Now you both get your freedom and don't get your children. Now you both come together to fight the court to get your babies back, but it's too late.

    A Lawyer will only take your money and work on the side of the state. If he doesn't, he could be the one paying the court costs and fines.

    Stop and think before you go off the deep end. You loved each other at one time. What happened? If you want to live a happy life, better stop and think of what could happen when you go your own ways or fight to the death, because that is what you are doing.

    Now as far as undocumented aliens breaking into your home, how are you suppose to know who it is when it could be just your local swat team wearing ski masks and waving Automatic Weapons while breaking into your home through doors and windows because one of you didn't file your last tax return?

    -- Posted by sui on Sun, Oct 4, 2015, at 3:49 PM
  • John Carney wrote an article about a State report on the "Kids Count" website of Tennessee government. It was referred to in another post.

    From his story: "On the positive side, the county is 15th in the state in terms of avoiding child abuse and neglect cases, and 29th in the state in avoiding children living in poverty. "

    That sounds to me like we might be on the right track in reducing domestic violence. Reducing (hopefully eliminating) child abuse, should start reducing abuse passed on by the youth of today.

    Everything in the report is not as rosy and for a quick summation, go to John's article.

    -- Posted by stevemills on Wed, Oct 7, 2015, at 12:03 PM
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    Hummm, Why whatever happened to beau maverick?

    I thought he wanted a special blog where he could teach us about what Bedford county needs to do to improve the tremendous problems we have right here in our community?

    Two posts and he has nothing to add that would help solve anything!

    He must of had to go back to the middle east or around the world somewhere to teach about the wide Southern Confederate States!

    I was looking forward to seeing what beau considered problems in Bedford county. Was it only about abuse of married women?

    -- Posted by sui on Mon, Oct 12, 2015, at 3:58 PM
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    Did everyone see the new Hero who help stop the terrorist on the train this year, step in to help a woman being attacked by 6 men.

    It was reported days later that after the 6 men stabbed our Hero and put him in critical condition with knife wounds, The woman he was trying to help jumped in the vehicle with the six men he was trying to protect her from.

    As I understood it, it was her boy friend and 5 other men. It just doesn't pay to help some people.

    -- Posted by sui on Wed, Oct 14, 2015, at 5:13 PM
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    Yeah, Sui I dont know what happened to Bo. The way he world works now days is women can do what they want and it is our problem to fix.

    -- Posted by fair share on Thu, Oct 15, 2015, at 4:38 PM
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    Actually Women DO have a right to do anything they want to do.

    They just have to be sovereign enough to do it without the help of the Government Benefits which removes their Sovereignty and places them under the government's authority.

    Each Benefit you accept, you give up your right to do that yourself and accept it as a Benefit or Privilege that can be controlled by the one who gives the Benefit or Privilege.

    -- Posted by sui on Fri, Oct 16, 2015, at 12:38 PM
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    Did everyone read Friday's T-G paper?

    I read where another high school student brought a knife to school and told friends he would use it if anyone tried to bully him.

    The school suspended him. Why? So he could do the time?

    If the Brain Dead people are going to protect the students and teachers in the schools, the teacher of every class in every class everyday will have to remind the students that it is against the law to bring any weapons (including a knife or gun) to school.

    I mean children are not even allowed to wear a shirt with a picture of a gun, knife, any weapon or a military soldier or swat team member printed on it without getting suspended and sent home.

    So much for school safety.

    Again like I said earlier, I guess we will just have to live with the violence in schools until all the students learn something in school.

    -- Posted by sui on Fri, Oct 16, 2015, at 1:59 PM
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    I am not done yet but wanted to make this a separate comment.

    This article was in Friday's T-G paper also;

    A man who has been arrested who had 11 DUIs was arrested again after he crashed into another vehicle.

    The drunk didn't know if he hurt anyone or what had happened.

    My Question is!

    Why was this man driving a vehicle?

    Whatever happened to the 3 strikes and your out. Or the habitual criminal law that puts them in prison?

    Are the Brain Dead Judges waiting until they Kill YOUR Child before they lock him up?

    It is plain to see after 3 DUIs that he is not going to stop drinking or driving. But 11 and now 12 DUIs and he is charge with???

    As long as the courts are not going to punish the criminals, they are going to continue being criminals.

    No law is going to stop it any more than MORE Gun Control Laws will stop shootings!

    We are a planet of Brain Dead leaders who think they can stop killings by taking away the guns or stop drunk driving by fining he driver who doesn't even know what he did wrong. Leaders who think they can borrow more money to pay off the debt or stop Global Warming by plugging in a bunch of freezers outside with the doors left open.

    Take away the drive to better oneself in exchange for the government providing for your needs. (How is that working so far?)

    Time to think about voting for Trump who is the only candidate to pull this Country back up to the top where it belongs.

    I just watched Obama talking to the President of South Korea telling her the US would be there for her.

    Now I am going to watch what happens the next few days and see if the Quack in North Korea makes Obama eat his words and break another promise.

    -- Posted by sui on Fri, Oct 16, 2015, at 2:26 PM
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    I'm surprised the lefties don't want to ban alcohol since it must be the alcohols fault and it just wouldn't be right to make people take personal responsibility.

    Oh wait a minute. We tried that in the 1930s and it didn't work.

    -- Posted by fair share on Sun, Oct 18, 2015, at 5:45 PM
  • Did you read the article "Wayne sings for Junior's House"? It was about a benefit that was held for a new service to help children who are suspected of being abuse.

    Sorry, I did not know about it beforehand. http://www.t-g.com/story/2241356.html

    -- Posted by stevemills on Mon, Oct 19, 2015, at 7:43 AM
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